twentysomething

Is this the beginning of the end?

2011-11-27T03:56:00.002+08:00

Recently things have been a bit rough and it's starting to make me wonder if this is IT. The rest of my life is just going to be unhappy, filled with negativity and that love will just die away. Should we have tried living together to see if we can stand each other in the first place? So far it's been in my thoughts. Personally I don't agree with it because regardless of whether one lives together or not, it's about love and acceptance right? Does it mean that if we are arguing more we just decide to give up?

Recently I feel like I'm getting a whole lot of critism and it's as if he's 'giving in' to my character rather than 'accepting' it. It's always " you're always this way!" or "yah la whatever you say". It's the same way he talks to his mum when he thinks " she always thinks she's right" but when did everything start becoming proving who's in the right or wrong?

If I could just write a letter I would say : Im not out to prove my point to say I'm right or it's my way or the highway, it's just me saying what i feel and to let you see how I see it so there's clarity. Let me hear your point of view too. When I question you, that's all it is, a question. There is not hidden agenda behind it, certainly not to fight you or prove anything. I just want to understand, that's all. So please be patient with me; don't raise your voice or be impatient . It's hurtful and makes me feel so lousy about myself .

I'm not perfect , nor are you. I would appreciate as much leeway and kindness as you give yourself in your own faults too. When you're critical it makes me wish I am loved for who I am and I start looking at others around me and envy their relationship. Can't you just love me?

Sigh... Well we just have to keep hoping for the best. They say the first 5 years are the hardest.

2011-01-08T01:13:00.002+08:00

This is my last year as a twentysomething.

Recently I've been concerned that no one really understands me and I'm this giant oddball to them. Ever tried explaining something important to someone you hope will understand and see your point of view only to have them just cut you off before the whole story is finished and let you know what they really think before they even got to the point you were trying to make? It's so damn frustrating. And the worst part is when you disagree or try to explain why you feel a certain way they immediately judge you and just say you only want to hear what you want to hear.

I mean, are you seriously kidding me? I haven't even finished what I wanted to say. I hear what I want to hear? You just say what you want to say. I wonder if we would be this direct and forward and so quick to jump the gun if it was with people we don't know well. It seems the people we hurt the most are those that are the closest to us. I need to remind myself not to impose my opinions on others. I probably do that too and not realize it.

Today although I was really happy overall, it seemed to be quite saddening afterall. You cannot depend on anyone or anyones opinion. You have to make your own opinions and believe in it and get your strength from that. You have to believe that nothings impossible and that hope is always around the corner.

This is not to say that you don't listen to the opinions of people around you and just have your own way. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but we have to agree to disagree and respect each other.

Disgruntled

2010-11-29T00:04:00.002+08:00

I blew my top just a while ago trying to figure out why my airport seems to indicate i'm connected but i can't surf. It's happened a few times before and now it's happened again. I gripe, complain , but i couldn't get answers. So as i was trying to go at it one more time, i finally snapped and voice breaking on the verge of tears i vented how i can't solve it and i helped everyone, but no one could help me.

Both my brother and my dad were there at the moment and they both stood up, stunned at how i had reacted. I guess anyone would be if they had seen my tyrate.

Now it's probably that time of the month, so part of the reason for my sudden outburst i can can be forgiven, but it think it was also that split second when the thought entered my head that i'm really unhappy by the amount of work i have to do at work recently. I think having an undefined jobscope is the best way to beat down the spirit of an employee. You see, because i know more stuff, it seems that it is an unwritten rule that i have to solve every problem that happens in the office. I am my company's 'IT Technician' and 'Handy Man', part-time 'Receptionist', 'Photographer', 'Assistant Teacher', all that on top of my fancy-title-that-makes-me-throw-up-in-my-mouth-job of a Business Development Manager. You should see my job description while i was compiling my company handbook (oh i forgot to mention i do design and layout as well). To sum up what 1/3 page of what i do in one line it is ' A Business Development Manager does everything.' or how about this other line for a more apt description : You are in charge of doing everything and anything that i(boss) tell you to do without complaint because i'm really hiring you and squeezing you for every single cent i'm paying you because technically, i don't need someone of your job title because it's not like we are expanding like our other competitors conquering Singapore in different regions. So, i might as well make full use of you. Oh, and don't forget we need new computers for the teachers to use, for the children to us, please do that too since you are are the IT department, but oh, you don't need a laptop do you? I mean you can use your own personal one right? As well as your own software that came with your own laptop at your own expense? Oh, and it's ok to use your own mobile phone for company calls right? I mean, it's not like there's alot of calls to make ALL the time, just maybe when we are expanding and relocating, which is every year so far. Oh and don't worry you have your own email account, that has a limit of 10M. It's ok, you're a Business Manager you don't need an unlimited account. Besides if you do, you can always go set up another one on GMAIL if the company one get's full. Did i mention that your health benefits is $10 claim per receipt? Aren't we the BEST?

I'm so sick of this shit. So pardon my SUDDEN OUTBURSTS OF ANGER and SNAPPING because i can't control it. I'm usually nicer when i'm not at work.

The Grump

2010-07-27T16:12:00.002+08:00

I must have woke up from the wrong side of the bed today, though it did not feel that way the moment i woke up. I just started feeling grumpy the moment i reached school. And even now, 45 mins to the end of the day, i feel like i just woke up, so , i'm blaming my grumpiness on the lack of sleep.

The grumpiness affected how i looked, me close to snarling when a good friend of mine just asked a harmless question on how the movie i watched went yesterday. I wanted to avoid looking at her face when i talked, and i wonder if it's because i didn't want her to be hurt by my expression, or if i just didn't care enough to look at her when she's talking. And then i checked my work email that my other good friend egged me on to check, only to find out i've been tasked with 'business' related work, and as the 'Business Manager' have to go get it sorted out. I am absolutely NOT what you would call 'business' material. Not outgoing, approachable, friendly, savvy, confident, everything someone in my position should be. Sometimes we just fall into our roles in life and just have to run with it. I then got upset because i remember my good friend telling me that my boss wants to divide up my position, and give it to someone else to share the load. First off, i don't really like the person who she's giving part of my job to, and secondly, it just makes me a little sad that i'm not up to it. 'Sure, give it away to Cherry. She'll do a whole lot better than me. ' I dreaded how i would have to proceed with finding out why one of our franchisees is not doing well. I would have to interact with the people, the parents....but this is what i signed up for right?

Argh. Enough talking. The first thing i'll do when i reach home is crawl into bed like the worm that i am and just shrivel up.

Chinese New Year

2010-02-16T22:28:00.002+08:00

Today is the last (holi)day of Chinese New Year and it's back to work tomorrow. I always dread the last day because i feel like i have to stretch out the whole day to make it 'worth' every last bit. Sometimes i don't even feel like going out because i just want the day to last longer. Ideally i would have liked if we headed over to someone's house the day before, so all of us can just stay up real late having fun, before heading home to just crash.

In any case, we play a board game, and by golly, it really takes up a whole lot of time without you realising! Before we knew it, about 3 hours had passed, and it didn't feel that way at all (That's just for ONE round!). Somehow today felt different from any other day. Maybe it's because we did an impromptu thing, and it was better than expected, or maybe it's because everyone had a good time, and it's RARE when that happens. And maybe it's because i see my close married friend, having fun with her husband. I think it's important to still go out and meet people, meet friends you can have fun with, because we might fall in the routine of things, and end up isolating yourself even though you sleep, eat, live with the same person every single day of your life. Activities bring out the best in people, and it's always good to just join in, even if you're afraid you won't have fun. I hope i have fun always with the Ed of my life :)

Familiarity breeds contempt

2010-01-06T08:47:00.002+08:00

I've mentioned a colleague of mine before in one of the previous entries, and how she may be a fun person when you know her, sometimes there's still friction in our friendship.

This morning , again we have some sort of friction. Though i believe that I'm quite attuned to how the people around me feel and the vibes they give me, sometimes i wonder if perhaps it's just me that's thinking too much, just over- analyzing. And honestly a small part of me feels that maybe it is true that you should never know someone too well, or too much cause you just end up knowing the 'chao-kuanness' of them, and you don't like them as much as you would, or, you just become too comfortable that you yourself reveal some of your weaknesses too. I guess the mature thing for people to do is laugh it off and accept them right? I mean, is the love our family has for us just apart from everything else that inspite of all the times we may piss them off, or annoy them, be a thorn in their sides that they still want to be a part of our lives?

I wish friendship was more like that. Maybe it is the personalities that you are friends with that is important.

The one that got away...

2009-12-30T13:29:00.003+08:00

You were everything i've always wanted. Perfect, dark and images so crisp.
Like sand through the hour glass, so have you slipped out of my hands.

A few weeks back i decided that one of the ways to make money out of my country was to join competitions. Anything that would allow you to win something - Lucky draws especially (to win money or that condo, that holiday trip), NTUC draws that allow you to win vouchers, and competitions, like the Canon S90 one, that allowed you to win that camera. But right now , this second, i'm so damn sad! I wanted to use a pinhole camera that my friend got for me, to take a 'street' photo ( one of the conditions for the competition). You can use any format, any camera, and the best 3 examples of the theme (street) will win. As usual, optimistic (or maybe delusional) me weighed the odds :

Chances of Winning
1) I can use my pin-hole camera cause it's an interesting format!
2) My interesting pin-hole camera! - definately can win by interesting format!
3) Submit by end of Dec! That's enough time for me.

Chances of Not -Winning
1) If i can't get a nice 'street' picture, since it is my first time trying out the camera.
2) If i can't find a beggar sitting/sleeping in CBD area , while working class people walk by . (sure, a cliche shot, but with the pin-hole camera effect, it will be fantastic!)
2) I mix up the deadline and miss submission time.

Results : I mix up the deadline and miss submission time.

I'm so pissed for many reasons, and honestly, was pissed at external factors for not being able to submit in time.

External Factors
1) Being enthusiastic about the competition, but bf not being as enthusiastic
2) Wanting to buy the film, but keep forgetting to/not being able to because bf was not enthusiastic and didn't remind me
3) ATM can't dispense money, so forget to buy film.

I'm sure by now, we all know it's really my fault, i screwed this one up.

Internal Factors
1) I procrastinated. I told myself "Aiyah, enough time, submit end of the month only mah" when the end of the month is tomorrow.
2) I should have just been disciplined and remembered and got the film, take the pictures on my own instead of waiting for company.
3) I'm a big doofus.

When i was pissed, i thought to myself, 'Cannot depend on other people! Only myself!'
But isn't it scarey when 'myself' is the problem to begin with?

Oh well. Time to look for other competitions.

Happy people everywhere

2009-11-15T01:16:00.003+08:00

Some time back, when Friendster was 'IT' website that people logged on to, it always bummed me whenever i read an ex-classmate's profile, on how successful his/her life is. For this particular friend of mine, there would be photos posted of the places she'd visted on her high flying job. There would be other profiles and pictures of other designer friends, who finally 'made' it in the industry (one of the lucky ones that everyone else envied), and i would look at my own accomplishments and wonder if i was ever cut out to be in the creative line at all.

Now with Facebook, it seems, it might be a little worst. Now , not only are there pictures, but it's the constant updating of status in real time. Everyone can see almost anyone's pictures, notes/blog and even what they are thinking that very second ( or two hours ago). You can see how this friend has experimented and made great pancakes at the end of it, and enjoyed it with her husband, you can see the preparations of another's wedding, the recent trip of another (including tags of every single person that was there); you see how everyone is happy, and they are everywhere. Everyone is happy except you.

I would like to blame these 'ill feelings' on that time of the month approaching soon. Perhaps i'll be happier tomorrow. Or in a week.

Copy Cat

2009-11-02T12:03:00.003+08:00

Today i was reminded of yet again, an issue i have a problem with. This is something i tuck right at the back of my heart, not thinking about it. It is like the roll of super 8 film you have to send overseas to develop, cause it can't be done locally ( you just DREAD having to go through all that trouble)

There's this person i work with, and she's a nice person, great friend and all, but i sense there's this 'competition' she seems to be having with me. You know how sometimes there's even some competition between best friends? Like if you both get the same outfit you need to wear it first before the other person does? Well, in this case, this friend of mine, i believe thinks i'm copying her.

I mean, call me paranoid, (and i probably am in this case), but first it was that reusable bag that's selling everywhere these days. You know the kind, you can roll it up, and put it in your bag, and then take it out when you go grocery shopping. Well, she was the first to start that trend at the office i guess, and then when i got mine ( which was given to me by my bf's mum) and used it at work, i could almost feel her evil eye on the back of my head, to the point where i would try not to use that bag , whenever she's around.

And then, there's this Nokia phone, that i was considering getting the beginning of the year. I had a hard time deciding between that phone, and this other one (which i eventually got). Right after i decided that i wasn't going to get the Nokia one, even though i reallllly liked it, that person got it. And she talked about it, and showed it off as if she didn't know i wanted it too.

Now, there's the iPhone. My bf has it, everyone in his circle has it, and i'm so tempted to get it. He wanted to get it for me because he thinks that we can 'ping' each other for free, just like how Blackberry users can text each other for free, even when they are overseas. Well, that would be a good way to save money. Well, i of course mentioned it to that person, and my other close friends , and lo and behold, she traded her phone in for the iPhone! So now as i was just thinking out loud about the phone just trying to get stats and all, and just asked her abit about hers, she starts to tell me the negatives of the iPhone and that i should reconsider getting it. It just makes me feel so..... ARGH. Like, if she ever reads this post, here's what i want to say to her : Get a LIFE. As much as you think i'm following you, i'm not, and everyone else has the right to own a reusable bag, an iPhone, and everything else they want cause there's a whole other universe out there (though you may be the center of yours) that's following the trend.

Ok, i'm sure some of you think i'm nuts , even writing a blog entry about this, but yes, i'm nuts if you think so. Crazy that there's even a COPY CAT issue between friends! We're not in Kindergarten anymore! Give me a break.

p/s: Latest update. Now she thinks i'm copying her abt the Macdonald's Monopoly.

GRRr

2009-08-31T23:22:00.000+08:00

I cannot gamble and shouldn't. Cause when i do i get so pissed i lose i feel like smashing things. I guess we all gamble whether we're willing to admit it. We buy a lottery ticket now and then, hoping to be one of the lucky ones (after all, if you don't try, you
don't even have a chance). We wait for that one sms, that special look from someone, and decide, if it happens, he/she must feel the same way too. Is gambling wrong only when it affects everyone around you, or is it just plain wrong?

We can say we gamble with death by trying bungee jumping, but we make the same gamble just by crossing the road to the other side. By taking a plane on a holiday.

But who am i kidding? After all i've said, i'm just really miffed cause i lost 450 odd coins by betting on stupid races in Facebook.

Belly Fat

2009-06-05T22:43:00.004+08:00

My brother said that its ok to not be happy, but one shouldn't be sad because when you feel sad, the body releases a chemical that keeps belly fat.

Man, i must have been feeling sad for a while.

Today, i felt that way especially and angry the moment i walked out of office. I had waited '2 mins' for a friend cause she told me too, only to figure out that she was waiting for her husband to pick her up at the office. I felt pissed cause i felt like i was being taken for granted as usual. Since when did i become 'standby' girl? I'm like the last person anyone wants to meet. I guess everyone else has their own lives to live, and i really have none. Maybe i should just buy myself an oven and bake. Or take part in some course.

And then i got more pissed cause i thought of how i don't see Ed as often as i like. I see everyone else being able to meet their boyfriends, husband, and i'm alone most of the time. I shouldn't be mad cause it's WORK right? And when it's freelance, thats the way it is.

It didn't help that i had this really bad neck/headache at the base of my head from not sleeping well.

Well, at least i got one thing done. I booked the trip! I'm really nervous about it cause i read reviews about the hotel, and i'm hoping it's going to be alright. I hope i didn't get fleeced, but the guy that served me seemed really sincere and nice about it. Now i just want to pray that God helps me get almost all the work done. That same FRIEND of mine said she was going to help me, but she really just wasted my time bringing all my heavy files down and hardly getting any work done. I'm never going to listen to her again. I think i'm just too nice or STUPID. Don't know why i even forgive people so much when they're just going to make use of me as usual. On my way home i was thinking , why i planned my life around everyone else. That's the stupidest thing to do. If that's what love for the people around me does, then LOVE is stupid.

I wish for once , i was priority.

Waiting.

2009-05-31T22:28:00.002+08:00

At some point in our lives, we seem to be waiting for something. Waiting for the bus to come along, waiting for a friend who was supposed to be here 10 mins ago, waiting for the days to pass before that long awaited holiday, waiting for that phone call from someone you really like, waiting for a better job to come along, waiting for something more adventurous in a seemingly stable relationship.

The difference between some of those moments is that , they are most likely to happen. The bus will eventually arrive causing you to be a half hour late, and so will your friend with a reason why he/she was and yes, the days do pass by soon enough and there you are, on a plane to paradise ( at least for the next 3-7 days until work starts again).

The person on the other hand, might never call, it could be another 2 years before the better job appears , or you would have felt it better to stay in the relationship because it is probably the most comfortable, predictable situation in an unpredictable world.

But we all wait, because we expect a form of change in our situation. To be happier, to satisfy our curiosity, to be somewhere else except here. Change will happen , eventually so lets just enjoy the moment right now.

Dinner with Sarah

2009-05-10T23:29:00.002+08:00

Here's the first dinner i had with Sarah after her 2nd day of work at Everton Park. When you hear of more and more people being unhappy at work, you can conclude that it's not just you feeling that same way.

Here's some 2 pics from the dinner. Check out the Octopus! It's like it had it's tentacles make a ring around it's eyes saying 'Yooo Hoo!' Now that makes a good meal!

Things with Ed

2009-05-10T23:17:00.003+08:00

Today we watched Star Trek. It's not a bad show. We decided to watch a movie today (impromptu) and then after the movie , we decided to try out luck at one of the machines at Plaza Sing. Ed tried it before some time ago and spent $7 on catching a soft toy. It's IMPOSSIBLE. I think they just really strategically place the items to make you think you can get it, but it's really just their way of cheating your money.

Anyhoo, I had seen this father and 3 kids, carry away 3 medium size plastic bags of soft toys they had caught. Most of it , is from this machine with a pile of little soft toy dogs inside. So, after the movie we tried it out. Ed grabbed the little dog on top, and caught another one, and loh and behold, the claws closed, springing the dog out , and sent it tumbling down the 'hill' of dogs, and into the prize hole. YAY!

Here's our prize!

Of course, we tried it again, but it didn't work.

Here's another fun pic of Ed !

pray

2009-03-29T02:01:00.002+08:00

Recently i've been wondering if God still listens to my prayers. They used to say in church that when you are not as close as you should be in a relationship with God, that He soon leaves you on your own. He won't even listen or help you when you pray.

If that is true, then i think God would be something more of a genie-like status in our lives, that He only listens when we obey, or because we want him to listen, we obey.

If anything could be taken away from what's left of my christian life, i don't want prayer to be it. My impression on Christians could be taken away, the comfort of having a church to go to may not exist, the joy of being able to sing in choir may be taken away, but at least apart from all the craziness within the ministry, at least i can still keep 'prayer' can't i?

There's just so much i want God to protect and save. Ed on his shoot, my mum at work, my brothers in school abroad, my dad's salvation....etc.

I hate pet society

2009-02-28T02:17:00.001+08:00

Valentine's Day

2009-02-15T14:06:00.003+08:00

I know this entry is a day late, but that's alright. Ed was nice and surprised me with a delivery of roses! I've always thought that it's cool for that to happen to anyone, and it happened to me! We don't usually celebrate Valentines because it's an over hyped holiday.

:( it's me again.

2009-02-01T22:52:00.002+08:00

My boss called a colleague of mine and practically screamed at her over the weekend. It's hard explaining why I'm probably going to get it tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure i will.

OK i need to stop being so pessimistic! I just hate that we get screamed at like we're kids. So much for ' managing your emotions'! Really dislike people who don't practice what they preach.

In any case, my aunt's coming back tomorrow so at least i can talk to someone. I think I've changed recently and I'm a bit shocked by it. Not that I've changed totally, but choices that I've made that i feel is wrong. I think it is things like this that I'm thankful I've noticed almost immediately and thankful that God has pointed it out to me. I don't want to be a horrible person with the things i say and do towards others. I'll be just like my boss!

I don't want to be money-minded, or selfish anymore. If you're a Christian and see this blog, please say a little prayer for me too, that I'll be better than what i am.

Baby Crazy

2009-01-18T00:41:00.002+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVLUKjCWw2Y&feature=channel

I uploaded 3 videos of Caroline's kid. I was telling Ed how babies are dangerous creatures. They cloud your judgement with their cuteness and softness so it makes you want to have one of your own, even though you might not be mature enough to have one, or afford a kid.

But i bet when anyone looks at that sweet face of a boy, that's the last thing on anyone's mind and everything and anything is possible.

Carol's boy!

2009-01-16T00:01:00.001+08:00

Caden Ngian, born 16th Jan at 7.05am weighing 3.1 kg.

Closing my eyes and holding my breath

2009-01-11T23:10:00.002+08:00

I thought i would write an entry as i wait for my 'whitening' face mask to do it's job. Tomorrow is the 2nd week of the year, well the 3rd week if you want to get technical. I think I'm still feeling the blues about having to go back to work again. As i was walking home from Carol's place, i was wondering whether I've really found what i want to do for the rest of my life, and the answer is , no. Although there have been good moments with this job, I think of it more like a 'savings plan' for my future. A constant income coming in, CPF...

Are some of us just destined to study whatever we want, but not make anything out of it in the real world? I remember looking forward to work before, but i think it had to do mostly with the people i worked with.

Tonight I'll say a prayer for the people close to me. My family, Ed, Carol & Yanling, Charmaine, Anthea ;people who i know wish for something better in life, some slack, happiness, sufficiency. I'll pray we'll all be happy and not let our surroundings, situation dampen our mood. May we all remember to take things in perspective and worry less. May the urge to close my eyes and hold my breath , disappear soon.

For the New Year!

2008-12-31T03:00:00.000+08:00

Psalm 103:1-5 (New International Version)

Psalm 103 Of David.

1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Thanks to Tara for the reminder.

Revamp! or Revamp?

2008-12-31T02:26:00.002+08:00

Maybe i should change the layout/color of my blog. Sure, 'Black' is a nice color, it's understated and all, but maybe it's time for a change?

This year i didn't really spend Christmas with Ed, and i most probably won't be counting down to the New Year with Ed too. Sigh. I am a bit bummed out about that.
I thought i had screwed up the layout of my blog because it really appeared that way when i used another computer. Now it seems fine! It's nice to see ONE other comment other than my own. Reading it did make me feel less bummed this holiday season :P God answering my prayer? Wow..

I think i'll go for a haircut tomorrow. A slight trim perhaps? I hope the spaggetti turns out good though. I always can't seem to make it as good as dad or auntie yian.

Merry Christmas Everyone! I know it's long overdue, but may this year be a good one for each one of you that passes by this page. I think with hope in a year of downturn and need, comes a greater appreciation for the simplest of things in life. BE happy. It is all up to you.

One thing

2008-11-16T23:50:00.002+08:00

I wonder if perhaps i'm not as articulate anymore. It worries me that one day i'll never be able to express what i really mean, without being misunderstood.

The one thing i asked God for a few years back, was someone who would REALLY love me. You know how there are some people you know who are just different once they meet the one person they could spend their life with? I mean, i've met people who are in a relationship for years, and they don't get married and break up. Then they meet one person, the one that somehow made some difference, and all at once, they decide they could actually make a commitment.

I've met people who would do anything for someone they liked, or had a crush on, and for the most part of their lives they were miserable but wanted to stay that way. Sometimes i envy the person they had a crush on. I envied how they were loved from afar, but how at the same time my heart weeps for the un-recipocrated one.

I know of a few people who are the most amazing people i know, and have loved but lost it all. I wish them love, because it is the most important thing of all. It is the one thing that can tide you through anything.

Here's what i believe is true. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And a quote from Audrey Hepburn, “The best thing to hold onto in life is each other."

Man is not the creature of circumstances, circumstances are the creatures of man. We are free agents, and man is more powerful than matter. -Benjamin Disraeli

The trouble with too many people is they believe the realm of truth always lies within their vision. - Abraham Lincoln

Love is what's left of a relationship after all the selfishness has been removed. -- Cullen Hightower

You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today. -Abraham Lincoln

As human beings, we are endowed with freedom of choice, and we cannot shuffle off our responsibility upon the shoulders of God or nature. We must shoulder it ourselves. It is our responsibility. -Arnold J. Toynbee

With that last quote, i've decided that i'm going to look for God. Maybe it's weird that i'm saying that, but i think it's time for me to grow up and stop using imperfect Christians as a reason for me to stay away from God. It's time i did something about it. Whatever the bible says about God is true, but how it is practised is a far cry from what is meant to be. Instead of looking at the imperfections of other Christians, i should look in the mirror and ask myself if that's an excuse for me to run from God. That regardless of it all, i'm just like them.

SILLY cheap me

2008-10-05T00:24:00.001+08:00

I bought some Eason Chan CD because it was selling at $2.90. I wanted to hear what it was like. You gotta admit, it is a good deal isn't it?

Cept, i don't understand Cantonese really. HAHAHAHAHA!

Hmm, I wonder what's next.

2008-09-28T19:32:00.002+08:00

It's 7.45pm , on an F1 Sunday. Tonight's supposed to go down in Singapore history. I did a bit of jogging today so i guess that's one accomplishment. Judging by how i used to be more active in church, Sundays seem like a bore now that i'm not involved as much. Not that i had much of a choice in that, but oh well, we do make our choices, and with that are the results of our choices.

Wish Ed were around on the weekends though, but he's working so hard these days. I really hope God blesses him with something good for his life ( ie more pay, less tiring job). If anyone deserves a break, he does.

I worry too much about stuff that hasn't happened. My dad pointed it out the other day. He was reminiscing the 3 of us, and telling me about how different we all were. My older brother doesn't /didn't worry a lot at all. He just goes with the flow. That's probably why he looks younger than he is. My younger brother used to have stomach aches and once he stayed 2 days in the hospital because of it. Apparently it had to do with stress. And that was when he was Primary 6. Today i think he doesn't really worry as much. He's calm and focused. Me on the other hand, would worry before anything happened. I would worry that i would be late for school, or worry of the worst things. Till today, i still do that. For someone who's supposed to have 'faith' and 'trust' and all those good things one believes when it comes to Christianity, i worry a whole LOT more than i really should. If i ever have a daughter next time, i would train her up that she doesn't turn out like me. I don't want her to be like me.

I want her to be brave and happy and just live life.

Today something came up in the preaching. It made me think a bit of what it meant. It went something like , if the end of all life was hell, and we were all going there anyway, then we might as well live it up now, since this life was all we had. But if the end of our life was something more, something better, then wouldn't we invest in that more ? Anyway, something along those lines.

May any one of you, YES even you reading this be happy in this life, and make the fullest of it.

Thoughts and Dreams

2008-09-21T22:32:00.003+08:00

It's 10.32pm and my eyes are tired. If i sleep now, i would be giving in to the night and tomorrow a crazy week starts again. If i stayed up one more hour, it would be one more hour of freedom, one more hour for myself.

How did we get this way? At the prime of our life, here we are on the road to working ourselves till we're fifty, or sixty maybe. This wasn't how my life was supposed to be.

Did you ever see that Mercedes ad? The one about how life should begin when you're 60, and then it just goes backwards that way. I was thinking about what i could do to reach a certain goal in future, and thanks to Ed, i think it is about time i really start seriously planning. Our job may not be our life, but surely our job could viewed as a money-generating mechanism of some sort. Job equates money. Forget about satisfaction, appreciation, or even something you enjoy.

You go through life and hear how there's no such thing as a job you love, and the pay is good, that you can have your cake and eat it too. But i think, why not? I do not believe there's no job in the world where the pay's great and the people doing it, LOVES it. Most companies like to squeeze you dry , and i think that's an Asian mentality. Nothing is a truly a good deal, even when it comes to sales, you don't really get something that's worth the money. So when something really good happens, it makes people do a double take. One thing i like about America is, when they have a sale, they really give you one. I think where we are, the moment prices are up, everything becomes smaller. The portions of food for example. I think people are willing to pay for something that cost 20% more for, than for something that's smaller, but 5- 10 % more for. When you decrease the proportion or quality and increase the price, then it just shows what a money minded corporation you are. Perhaps good business is when both sides win. It's not the fastest way to make money, but i think everyone is happier that way.

Anyway i don't know why i'm talking about that.

For all you dreamers out there, continue to dream. It will come true one day.

2008-09-14T00:05:00.003+08:00

Mushaboom /Feist

Helping the kids out of their coats
But wait the babies haven't been born oh oh oh
Unpacking the bags and setting up
And planting lilacs and buttercups oh oh oh

But in the meantime I've got it hard
Second floor living without a yard
It may be years until the day
My dreams will match up with my pay

Old dirt road (mushaboom)
Knee deep snow (mushaboom)
Watching the fire as we grow (mushaboom)
Old

I got a man to stick it out
And make a home from a rented house oh oh oh
And we'll collect the moments one by one
I guess that's how the future's done oh oh oh

How many acres how much light
Tucked in the woods and out of sight
Talk to the neighbours and tip my cap
On a little road barely on the map

Old dirt road (mushaboom)
Knee deep snow (mushaboom)
Watching the fire as we grow (mushaboom)
Old

Old dirt road
Rambling rose (mushaboom)
Watching the fire as we grow (mushaboom)
Well I'm sold ...

Oh oh oh oh oh oh ...
Oh oh oh oh oh oh ...

2008-09-13T23:57:00.001+08:00

Let it Die /Feist

Let it die and get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear

Don't you wish that we could forget that kiss
And see this for what it is
That we're not in love

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

It was hard to tell just how I felt
To not recognize myself
I started to fade away

And after all it won't take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don't want
I learned that with you

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart
The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

I think her melodies are really nice.

I dreamt the world was coming to an end.

2008-09-10T21:44:00.003+08:00

I dreamt the world was coming to an end. There i was in a place that i must have been living in for some time, filled with items picked up. The walls were painted yellow, and there was some oil barrels used as a table top. There wasn't really any electricity although the place was bright enough. It wasn't that it was dark, it was more like, i knew there was no need for any electrical items, because they wouldn't have worked.

The next time i knew, i was walking along a corridor of some school, and walked into a classroom. Everyone else was there. It was as if we were hiding out there, evacuated and then there was news that there was no hope, that the end is near. 'They've cut off all connections' was the thought in every one's head, but who 'they' was , no one knew. All the mobiles phones were of no use now. All that's left are coins to make our last phone calls to our loved ones. I still had a bunch of coins in my pocket and i was glad because some of the people in there, had none.

The room started to move forward, as if it became a train, and then after some time, something reached into the front door of the classroom. It looked like the end of those huge drill cranes you see at the construction sites, except at the end of it, it is a pincer-like apparatus instead of the drill. It reached in and grabbed hold of the teacher's desk at the front of the room. Then it put it on it's back, and on it were other front desks that have mannequins on it. The room continued moving forward, and i knew i had to get out. That train was leading us some where, maybe to our deaths. Soon the train reached a station, and it stopped for a second. I ran out of the back exit, and i barely made it before the doors closed. I realised that near the exit, on the outside, there was barbed wires and a small opening, that made it almost impossible to leave the train or the station. 'Why are they killing us?' i thought to myself. I ran down the stairs and then another, and other people were coming up the stairs too. I tried to read their faces; were they as scared as i was, were they running home too?

When i reached the bottom of the stairs, i hasten my steps. I had to get away, get home. Along the way, there were shops filled with lights. They sold them, all sorts, the energy saving ones, and those we have in our flats. I couldn't figure out where i was. Yishun? Far away from where i want to be. I had almost reached the end, and realised i must have gone the wrong way. This guy from one of the stores came up to me and handed me a flyer. I declined. I remember behind him there was a shop selling coffins, or rather, wood carved coffins , in all sorts of colors stacked on top of one another. All the salesmen from the stores had this expression on their faces as they looked at me passing by. It was as if they were gloating, that they had a way out, while the rest of the world was destined to die. I decided to turn the other direction , to find my way home. I couldn't take the trains now, and there wasn't any taxis willing to pick any of us up. At the main road, 2 strange looking golf carts were passing by slowly. At least they were smart enough to find a way home, because there was no more power in the world.

I stood there scared, just very afraid and frozen to the ground. I thought of my dad, and how i didn't know where he was, and how the world was going to end, we were all going to die in a few hours, and he wasn't saved. If he knew God, at least he wouldn't be so scared, at least i could see him in heaven when this world ended. Then i thought of all the opportunities i had to tell him about God, but did nothing. I remember wishing it was all a dream, but i knew it wasn't. The world was going to end, and it's too late. The world was going to end because we've destroyed it, and only God could help us.

I woke up at 6 am today, and tried to go back to sleep. I couldn't, and then my dad woke up and turned on the hall lights outside, and that made it worst. I think i probably slept for half an hour to 45 mins before i woke up at 7.20am. I forgot to set my alarm, but i'm glad my dream ended, or i would have been really late for school.

Today there was word about Europe trying out the big bang theory. Then there was this trailer i saw on TV about that experiment and it bothered me a bit, because it seemed to be along the lines of a huge amount of energy being used, or lost. Like power, or the lack of it. Why does the world do stupid things? They spend billions of dollars trying to re-create their vision of what started everything, when they could have used the money for the starving poor people in the world. How is that more important than sustaining the life that we already have on earth. I think this whole idea is the dumbest thing they've ever done besides cloning.

Grrrhmmmmm

2008-09-07T22:30:00.002+08:00

What is the cross between a growl and the sound you make when you think?

It's the sound i make sometimes when i miss ed or when i'm with him and it dawns on me that it'll soon be time to go home.

:(

Sometimes i wish i didn't miss so much.

Sri's Thoughts

2008-09-06T20:05:00.002+08:00

Sri, if you happen to be reading this one day, yes, i lifted it off your blog. I don't know how to create a link so i cut and pasted. Anyway, i really enjoyed this entry, and so here it is for anyone who passes by :

I feel blessed to be married to a good man. Lately, i was told horror stories of people who were left standing alone at the alter, and couples who decided to be separated less then a year after marrying.

I wonder if their profile in facebook says "it's complicated".

Met up with a recently attached friend who seemed to be sporting the newly attached "glow of happiness". Love is so powerful it changes people, by the time you change back, you may not remember who you are. And when you surface from the love drug, the reality of day to day forces you to confront problems that you previously overlook. Only time will tell if the fairy tale ends with happily ever after.

What's this life to you? I find myself in a materialistic and crazy world, the answer is probably to be content with less. Instead, i find my thoughts filled with images of beautiful people from glossy magazines with flawless skin, and perfectly curled hair, their smile full.

If only i was less distracted.

Since a day is divided into 24 hours, of which 8 to 10 are spent unconscious, and another 8 to 10 at work. We merely play with four hours a day to fulfill our personal goals. If you keep a blog and spend an hour on it, 3 hours left, you fiddle with the mouse, paint your toes, 1 hour left. Read for 15 minutes, Wham! times up. Bed time. It feels like life disappeared right before my eyes...

There are countless things i would like to do, so for a start i have decided to enroll in a painting class. If you don't know, i have always wanted to paint and someday maybe paint full-time. Despite life's distractions, hopefully by spending money to spend time painting, would help me develop a more regular habit of it. Art should most definitely be a discipline rather then a whim.

Until i truly know what to do with life, i can only experiment, fail and hopefully not too badly.

Look at that face

2008-09-06T19:53:00.003+08:00

I went through my files and found some pictures of my girl.
Check it out.

Cruisin'

2008-08-31T23:57:00.002+08:00

I wish i could take a nice long break from work. To just sleep and not worry about time, to relax and not worry about rushing to the next activity. Sometimes i think we're always rushing so much; rushing through even meals. I think i eat a lot and i eat really fast. I need to slow down.

I hope this week will be a good week at work for me, for anthea and charmaine, for ed, and for everyone out there who wants the same thing for themselves.

I am not happy.

2008-08-26T23:09:00.002+08:00

I hate these two weeks. It's cause me to think a lot about my current self, where i am in my life right now. Recently i've felt that i have been treated unfairly at work, perhaps even taken advantage of. I do not like my employer, and i think that's the worst thing isn't it? To work for someone you don't trust, for someone who does not have your welfare at heart. I feel very disappointed with her, and especially so because she's a Christian. I know that Christians are not perfect people, but i like to think that they of all people can at least be understanding. I do not like my life now because looking back on the events that led to where i am now, i feel angry that 'trusting God' seems to be a bad choice. I don't like my country. It is a place where the poor remain poor, the rich unaffected, and the middle-class struggle. It is the land where money talks, where nothing is truly free, and hard-work does not really matter at all. It does not care about loyalty, but progress. It is the land that has forgotten the ones who built it with their backs, and embraces anyone who can bring profit. It looks to the outside without resolving within, why we are unhappy in the first place. Paper is king here, not street smarts, or things you cannot learn in the classroom. Cost is rising, but not our salaries, and housing is so expensive. It burdens me that i can't save enough to own a home without paying it off the rest of my life. I can't save enough to own anything.

I'm unhappy with God, with my job, with my country. I wish i felt otherwise.

I think i made my mum sad.

2008-08-23T23:13:00.003+08:00

These 2 weeks has been strange. The first part of the week, i got it from my boss because of a mistake i made, although i really felt that no one told me the protocol with regards to the issue . Anyway, it's long gone, and i don't really care about it.
My aunts came down to visit, and to sum things up, i don't know what to think about religion, or Christianity anymore.

I used to think that having a Christian employer is good, but now i'm beginning to see the cracks in everything. Recently we prayed in the office because there was worry that there is a spiritual attack against our company, but the more i think about it, i hardly think that's the case. I think it's just people being irresponsible, and not careful.

Recently i got hives, and my boss thinks it's a spiritual attack. Maybe it's my lack of faith, but i felt that seeing a doctor would have been a more practical solution than a prayer for instant healing. And my mum recently has been reading the bible more because of a recent panick attack she had. Plus my aunts came down and spoke to her more about God. Today she was telling me about God too, and i guess she was just sharing, but i just snapped at her, asking her why she was talking about God out of the blue.
She felt discouraged, and told me so. She asked me why i couldn't be encouraging instead since she is drawing closer to God.

I think i just am tired of hearing all these things about God that everyone's perceiving. Like how my boss perceives that it is an attack from the devil at work when things don't go well, and how my aunts perceives our lack of joy as a lack of 'the holy spirit upon us'. All these...ideas that people come up with, i just don't want to hear any of it. And personally, i hate how everyone makes you feel guilty for not doing something. That's what i don't like about my church. I don't like the people, and as much as some of them are closer to me than others, i sometimes feel like cutting off all ties with them. I feel like telling them, 'Get off your high horse. Just because you're not totally right with God doesn't make you on the same level as me, that you can tell me what to do '.

Weird World Batam

2008-08-23T22:55:00.004+08:00

Here are some pictures from Batam. I still have some more in my camera, but i'm not sure where it is.

Anyway, i think Batam is a strange place. It's only 45 mins away, yet it's an hour behind Singapore time. It feels as if you're in Malaysia, but, it's Indonesia. I happened to meet an ex-colleague there at Nagoya Hill shopping centre and the first thing that came to my mind was ' What are the odds of meeting you here!? ' , but because it's only 45 mins away from Singapore, it's the same as, if i met her on the West side of Singapore.

I think the horses look creepy.

Batam Returns

2008-08-10T22:04:00.002+08:00

I have some pictures which i will upload at another time. I don't feel like doing much right now...

I hate the flow of events in life sometimes, and how things work out in some coincidence that works against me. I don't enjoy knowing it's all ' in the hands of God' when i don't like whatever that's going to happen.

I had hoped that going to Batam for a night would help, some sort of getaway from things that are bothering me about work, and it's true that i didn't think much about it, but now that i'm back home, i feel the dread all over again of what's to come.

What i don't like most of all is Christians using the 'will of God' theory on other trusting Christians , just to get things worked out/ done. It may be be partially true, but no one knows the will of God, and it's just exploitive to do that to others.

I really really wish i get a big break soon, something really fantastic that comes into my life. OR at least, i really really wish, i was simply happy with whatever circumstance. It's hard to explain fully how i feel and the worries i have. I just can't wait for something good to happen to us, my family the people i love. At least, i hope God understands.

Edwin Cheng

2008-07-27T01:32:00.001+08:00

I love my boy. I have pictures of us in front of me, and i'm really glad i met someone like him.

I am a teeth grinder

2008-07-27T01:10:00.002+08:00

Today i finally went and got a mouth guard fixed. My teeth has been more sensitive recently, and previously, on a few occasions my jaw feels achy. Well, my aunt once pointed out to me while i was on holiday at her place, that every single day, in the early mornings, i grind my teeth, and rather loudly. Now that i think about it, i think my grinding has gone back to when i was still in film school, and we had to go to Thailand to get our reels processed, and i remember how i was sharing a room with a friend, and she thought i was awake in bed eating something. Creepy..

I hope the guard works! The price is a little steep, but if it helps, why not? Prevention is really better than cure, and i do need teeth for eating.

Just now, i read the headlines of the papers about how our kidneys are really important because they help to remove toxins from the body. I've always thought it was our liver, and figured that since i don't drink or smoke, then, it didn't really matter. But it seems that our kidneys are really important too. I wish i could find the article and cut and paste it here. But anyway, just be healthy. I mean, i guess, if we don't even exercise to BE healthy, then at least we shouldn't make our health worst right? Ultimately health is the most important of all. Not even money comes close.

Yesterday

2008-07-20T23:33:00.003+08:00

I was just looking at Liz's 'Save the Date' invite for her wedding in May. Both of them look really calm and happy in the picture, as if they were just really good friends. I wonder if that picture was taken before they really got together, or it was already after. Imagine meeting someone you're so comfortable with, someone that makes you calm, and just at peace inside. Imagine being together , and deciding you didn't want to spend the rest of your life with someone else, because it didn't even interest you to want to find out what that would be like. You're just happy.

Liz and Ben are just perfect for each other, and i can't think of a better match than that.

Today in church, well, i think maybe it was the day before, but i got a bit scared about time, the lack of it, or how everything's going to come to some sort of end. I started thinking about Ed, and wonder how much time we would have together before the world exploded into a ball of fire, and it wasn't the end that really worried me, but more that i wish for more time. I don't know if it's age, or work, or just growing up, time just passes so much faster, sometimes i wish i was a kid again, so it seemed like it went on and on.

It's probably around the time of the month, so my emotions are like WWWWWeird, so i'm feeling a bit scared/nervous even over things like work tmr. Sometimes, i get worried enough, and i just wish i could ask someone ' It's going to be ok right? I can handle it right?' Like i said, WWWWWWeird. So if you get a random sms from me, please be nice, i'm just being scared for a second.

I hope this week will be good. Please God make this week, and the next and the one after, and after that be good, and keep us safe.

Messy genes

2008-06-29T00:15:00.005+08:00

I just told my mum that the reason why our house is messy is because of genes.
haha.

I think my mum is super patient, and i don't know why i never really saw that about her till a few years back. I've heard stories about my friends' mums and i have to say that I'm really glad mine is pretty cool. She's really calm, and hardly gets agitated or mad about anything. She tends to nag a little, but not in the really ' you-better-do-this' attitude , but more of repetition. I guess if i were a mother myself, i would do the very same thing, because it's better to warn your child about something, than not say anything at all i guess. I think it's really tough being a parent. Sometimes i don't think i want to be one because i don't think I'll be a good parent. But i think I'll be a fun one.

You know, sometimes when i see the different autistic children around, i think people ought to be so thankful for what they have. I think in our society we worry about being the best, excelling in whatever we do, so we can have a good future. Whatever happened to character, and all the other qualities that make us different than the one next to us? I can't imagine how any parent with an autistic child feels, but i think it puts to shame anyone who's worried that their child isn't beautiful , or smart enough for this world. We should be thankful for whatever we have. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not telling anyone to feel better off than anyone else. I think it's ridiculous that the only time we feel better about ourselves, is when we look at someone worst off than ourselves. We should look at what we have, good or bad, whatever it is, and just be happy for life.

Cool SHOES!

2008-06-21T23:57:00.003+08:00

I got this rain boots from Target. YAY! I've always wanted rain boots when i was a kid, never got them, so i have them now.

I hope for rainy days. And i don't mean figuratively. Please. No bad days please. I've really had enough of them.

This week ahead bothers me. Recently i've been thinking about God, in the midst of everything. A huge part of me wonders why the problems i've been having at work isn't being solved, and why no matter how much i pray about it, it doesn't seem to go away. It then got me on the trail of wondering if this was some 'lesson' God was trying to impart to me. To learn to depend on him more? He's punishing me for not being as faithful as i used to be? I don't want to see anything bad that happens to me, as God's punishment towards me. I'm sure he's not that cruel, or at least have a better reason than just that.

If people don't have God and they have a bad day/week/month/year, then it's just that way right? A bad day/week/month/year. They gripe complain do whatever to make it better. I on the other hand have God and i gripe complain do whatever to make it better, and blame God at the end of it when nothing works out. Sometimes i wonder what it will be like if i didn't put God in the midst of things. Didn't think about him when bad things happen, or in my daily life. Then i wouldn't blame him. But would that mean that when good things happen, i shouldn't be thankful either? It's all or nothing right?

I need an answer.

Singapore Flyer

2008-06-21T23:30:00.005+08:00

I just wanted to state for the record that dear Ed brought me up the Singapore Flyer.

I had been digging through my receipts in my wallet and saw the Singapore Flyer ticket stubs. I kept it so i can keep a record of it in our book, but i don't really know where it is. Hmm..

I love how much of a sport Ed is.

That's the IR.

Ed thinks the best time is magic hour. Best of both worlds i guess, getting to see the city in the day and night.

I was washing the dishes and thought about Ed. One of the qualities i love about Ed is his honesty. There have been times when he is honest and it hurt, but the next thing i love about him is that he tries to make it less hurtful, or be more tactful. It brings to mind one incident where he really listened and was considerate. And, i think he's quite forgiving and patient. I mean, like ok, if we have an arguement, both of us will be pissed, but he usually forgets about it and doesn't hold it in his heart.

Money Woes

2008-06-20T00:29:00.002+08:00

Sigh.

I think much is uncertain. Job, pay, my future. I really hope i get the pay i need so that i can at least be able to give money to my parents and save for my future.

Oh well, i must not lose hope.

Creepy

2008-06-19T23:55:00.002+08:00

My thoughts are scattered.

Perhaps it is better to be busy, at least it keeps the mind occupied from thinking too much of what isn't there at all.

Sometimes i wish i lived in a cottage far away from civilization. Except for maybe a nearby mall, so i can shop when i feel like it.

Today Ed told me about his friends who decided to end their long-term relationships. It was a mutual decision. It got me thinking about this whole 'love' concept people have.

I wish i lived in a cottage.

Drone

2008-05-30T23:13:00.002+08:00

Today i had a bad day. It was one event that made it a bad day, and isn't it pathetic that we allow it to get that way? If it's really about our attitudes towards crappy incidents like that, then we should really be as happy as we can be, because nothing's really worth being upset about, especially a job.

If i had a wish, i think i would like to be a drone. Some thing programmed to operate, and not have any emotions at all. That way i would stop feeling how i do inside.

Whirlwind

2008-05-19T20:01:00.002+08:00

In the event that i can't think of a title for my blog entry, i'll just type in whatever word comes into my head. My theory is that whatever word that comes will in some way be a reflection of my subconsciousness.

I just had this weird feeling come over me. It's the same feeling i seem to associate with the time from 6.30 to 8 pm, at home, and when i was still in secondary school. I hate that feeling, because it makes me afraid. There have been different stages in my life, while i was still a student , when certain events had happened. Some were scary events to me then, when i was that age and didn't know how to handle it. You know how when you go back to a place, you can still remember how it felt, or the smells and sounds that came long with it? Well, it's just that all of that has condensed into a feeling instead, and once in a while it comes back. I do not like that feeling.

I think coming back from America has taken a slight toil on me and my dad. It was 7.30pm when i found him sleeping, with the bed pushed out into the center of the room, in the direction of where the aircon was blowing. The TV and lights were still on.
My dad really missed my mum during the trip. Towards the end, when we were flying back, he was excited about how in a few hours , he would finally see my mum again. When i was growing up, i never really thought of my dad loving my mum that much. It wasn't that i felt that he didn't love her, i just never really thought about it. I guess when you're kids, it is not something you would think about. Maybe my wee brain then was more concerned with other issues, like not getting punished by the teacher, or who's not 'friend-ing' someone else in school.

I really want good things to happen for my family, for my mum and dad, for the people i love so dearly. I want good things to come into the life of Ed, and his family too. I am filled with many thoughts that i'm glad that God knows them already, so i don't have to say it out, because some things, can't be explained.

You know, to be loved, is a really great thing.

Happy Anniversary.

2008-05-18T23:14:00.002+08:00

Get out the balloons and pop the confetti, there's something to cheer about.

Tomorrow, it'll be 2 years, even though it feels so much longer.

Flashback

2008-04-27T22:33:00.002+08:00

The past few days, i've been reminiscing. I had opened a box that i had thrown some things in, because i was clearing up my room, and then totally forgot about it. I saw the little voodoo doll that Ed gave me, and a note that came with an ipod nano he gave me for Christmas.

Seeing the voodoo doll brought back some fond memories. I still remember how he pulled the threads on the doll's head that weren't tied down, and how i thought it was pretty unique. He gave it to be after that, one of the many instances he 'wooed' me. When i met Ed, it was at a time when i had decided that it was ok to be alone, and single. I guess there had been times when i would just talk to God about finding someone who would love me, someone good, someone who was a christian, cause at least we would have one good thing in common. As much as Christians seem to have their thing together, i like to believe that if anything, it is the hardest thing to be, and at the end of the day, when you stand back and look at every single event in your life, or the events to come, when things are not in our control, i like that a greater power, someone who created this universe is in control and would be able to help me or at least understand .

Once chance meeting changed everything. Till today , it puts a smile on my face when i think of how we met, and the many coincidences in our lives before we met.

I love my boy.

...

2008-04-21T23:50:00.002+08:00

Sigh.

I feel a 'sigh' that cannot be explained in words. Besides that, I hope if i ever have a son he'll be like Aidan Wong. :)

Stuck in the rut

2008-04-06T22:21:00.004+08:00

Today there was a message on being stuck in the rut, and 7 steps on how to get out of it.

It's rare hearing good messages, so i'm going to blog some of them when i hear good ones.

Today's text comes from Mark , chapter 10 , verses 46 - 52 .

In this verses, we read about a blind man called Bartimaeus and how he got healed by Jesus. It says in verse 46 & 47,

And they came to Jericho: and as he went out of Jericho with his disciples and a great number of people, blind Bartimaeus, the son of Timaeus, sat by the highway side begging.

And when he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to cry out, and say, Jesus, thou son of David, have mercy on me.

Step 1 : Start taking responsibility for your own life.

We read in verse 46 & 47 , how Bartimaeus was begging by the side of the road. Because he was blind all his life, he hadn't been able to see Jesus and the miracles he did, but only heard of them. He must have heard a lot of talk about this man Jesus, while he's begging in the streets day after day. Finally , there was Jesus walking with his disciples . Bartimaeus decided he was going to do something, and cried out for Jesus to heal him.

We hear about teenagers and even adults today who commit a crime , or do something wrong, only to put the blame on others. A teenage boy in America, steals a car, and crashes into other vehicles on the highway. When he is finally caught, he puts the blame on the guy , who left his key in the car in the first place. No one forced the boy to do what he did, but it was his own choice. This can be applied to many people in the world . There are people who get into trouble and blame their childhood , abandonment for the way they turned out. We have no excuse, we need to take responsibility for our life.

Step 2 : Stop wondering what others will say.

In verse 48, it says

And many charged him that he should hold his peace: but he cried the more a great deal, Thou son of David, have mercy on me.

The people around Blind Bartimaeus told him to shut up as he called out for Jesus to help him. They felt that he was a nuisance, or they didn't see why he should get involved with Jesus.

There are many people today, who when faced with the choice of following God or coming back to Him, are faced with the dilemma of ' My mum is going to flip' or ' My friends are going to think I'm too holy for them' . They start worrying what others would think of them, should they make the choice of trusting God. Trusting God is a choice that will affect them eternally. Sometimes doing what's right , is the hardest thing. We read in the verse however that Bartimaeus decided he wasn't going to continue being blind, or being in the state he's in. He wants a change, and he doesn't care what anyone said.

Step 3 : Stop waiting for ideal conditions.

Most of the time, when we are faced with the option of seeking God, or making some changes in our life, perhaps a new healthy lifestyle, we tend to wait. We think, 'maybe in future, when things get better. ' or ' Maybe after i get a better job. ', ' Maybe after i get married and have kids' , ' Maybe one day when my boyfriend/ girlfriend changes', ' Maybe when i have more money'. Perhaps the truth is, we're too afraid to do anything about it, because we're afraid of what will happen , if we decide to do something about it. Time flies more quickly than we think, and sometimes, we can't keep on waiting. Change is never easy, but we are more likely to regret the things we never did, than the things we did do.

Step 4: Believe that you can change.

In verse 49 & 50 it says,

And Jesus stood still, and commanded him to be called. And they call the blind man, saying unto him, Be of good comfort, rise; he calleth thee.

And he, casting away his garment, rose, and came to Jesus.

Here was this bunch of people, a moment ago, telling blind Bartimaeus to shut up, and the moment Jesus heard his voice in the crowd and called Bartimaeus to come, the same bunch of people, started being all nice and friendly, and told him to go ahead to Jesus. There are people in the world who are going to leech on anything good, when the good times happen, and kick you aside when times are bad.

We have more often than not, hear things like ' You'll never', or 'It's impossible', 'you can't', 'you're useless', or ' it'll never happen.' Perhaps it's been said to us by a close friend, someone you trust, maybe even a family member. Who on earth really decides what we will, or will not do? We have to believe that a change is possible. There are people who are into drugs, or alcohol, gambling, and sometimes the most damage is done when people around them, tell them not to change, or tell them they can't. No one who smokes tells another to stop, or a gambler tell the person next to him at the roulette table to stop gambling. If we feel , we need to change, we need to believe we can change. That's what blind Bartimaeus did. He decided , enough is enough, and he wasn't going to keep on staying where he was. He threw away his garment, perhaps a shawl of some sort that he had been using his whole life as a beggar, and left it behind. It is like a child holding on to his precious blankey or soft toy animal ;a comforting object/ comfort zone. Will we leave our comfort zone in order to get out of the rut we're in?

Step 5: Clarify what you really need.
Step 6 : What do you want God to do in your life?

In verse 51, we see something strange.

And Jesus answered and said unto him, What wilt thou that I should do unto thee? The blind man said unto him, Lord, that I might receive my sight.

Let's imagine this : Here are all these people, who have heard Jesus calling blind Bartimaeus to come forth to him. Some of them are probably helping/leading him to Jesus. It is clear that Bartimaeus is blind. He could have been moving his hands around, walking with caution. Why did Jesus still ask such an obvious question?

Bartimaeus needed to know what he wanted changed in his life, and acknowledge the need for change, in order for him to ask for help in the first place. Most of the time, we know what is wrong in our lives, the changes that we need to make. Perhaps there is a need for us to change our temperament. Maybe we are rude to the people closest to us, our parents. Perhaps we are lazy, or we keep procrastinating. Jesus wanted Bartimaeus to think about what he needed, and make that internal desicion of change. It's like how, i used to wonder, why we need to pray and talk to God, when God already knows what we need, or the problems in our life before we even ask him. We actually asking, verbally asking for help, it helps not so much God to understand, or listen to us, but it helps US know that we are lacking , and we need help. We learn more about ourselves, when we actually do something about it. It's like seeing your child trying to reach for a cookie on the shelf. You want your child to ask you, so that he/she learns that they can count on you for help. You want to teach them to ask for help.

Bartimaeus understood that Jesus was Lord, and so he asked Him to heal him.

Step 7: Claim your victory.

In verse 52 ,

And Jesus said unto him, Go thy way; thy faith hath made thee whole. And immediately he received his sight, and followed Jesus in the way.

Sometimes, even though we succeed, or are on the way of a better self, we get discouraged because change is never easy. Maybe when we succeed, we feel that it's prideful to be happy about it. We need believe in our choices, and not be discouraged by people, who feel that the change isn't good enough, or it has made you a different person. Bartimaeus's faith healed him. He believed that Jesus was the true Lord that could heal him. Prior to that however, he decided that he wanted to get out of the rut he's in. He decided he didn't want to be blind anymore, and did something about it. There is no shame in victory.

Ok, that's all. I don't remember much about the last point, so i think that's what that verse meant.

Today l learnt about a friend's wife who had passed away. Today i was quite a bitch to a close friend. Today i had a migraine.
A moment ago, before i started on this blog, the events of the day, of what i've heard from the preaching, the news, and the argument, got me a bit worried. Just one thought came to mind. I wonder how my life would turn out in future.

Jonah

2008-04-06T00:21:00.004+08:00

Last Sunday there was a message on Jonah. It's probably one of the most easiest read in the bible about a man who fled from God, only to be brought back to do his will. But this past Sunday, i learnt something new about the story, and i guess i never really understood it before.

Well, to name the points of the message, it went something like this:

Jonah was a prophet, commanded by God to go to Nineveh, to preach to the people living there about their sins, and to repent. The people of Nineveh, were very wicked people, and so Jonah, not wanting to head there, went the opposite direction instead. He actually got on a ship that was moving in the opposite direction, and he paid to get on board and went to the bottom of the ship, and hid/slept there.

A HUGE storm woke him up, and the sailors on board were freaked out because of the terrible storm that they were facing. They had never encountered something like that before, and so began to cast lots, to sort of ask the powers to tell them, who/what was causing the storm, for their lives to be saved.

The lot fell upon Jonah, and they were so shocked they asked Jonah who he was, and why he had brought this 'bad luck' upon them. And so Jonah basically told them that it was the Lord Jehovah that was doing this. By saying that, he had basically also made the association that he was a Jew and a follower of God. Finally in order to stop the storm, they had to throw him off the boat.

Well, guess what? God sent a big fish to swallow Jonah. Now, some people say that big fish , is probably a whale, BUT, in the greek text, it just says 'BIG FISH' so well, who knows?

Finally , the story goes that Jonah got spit out onto Nineveh when he finally decided that he was going to stop running and start doing what God wanted.

In Chapter 3 of Jonah, we see that he starts warning the people.

It says :

And Jonah began to enter into the city a day's journey, and he cried, and said, Yet forty days, and Nineveh shall be overthrown.

Thats all he says. He doesn't say anything else about repenting, or why they were being punished. And the amazing thing was, the wicked people repented , even the king of the city. That happened really quickly too. Who would have thought that they would have repented so quickly and easily.

This next part, i learnt on Sunday :

In chapter 4 , Jonah was pissed. You know why he was pissed? He was actually angry that the people repented.

It says in Chapter 4, and verse 2&3 :

But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was very angry.

And he prayed unto the LORD, and said, I pray thee, O LORD, was not this my saying, when I was yet in my country? Therefore I fled before unto Tarshish: for I knew that thou art a gracious God, and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repentest thee of the evil.

Therefore now, O LORD, take, I beseech thee, my life from me; for it is better for me to die than to live.

Jonah was giving his reason for running away the first time. He said that, he knew God was going to forgive them, and he was upset because they were a wicked people.

Jonah was a prophet, and had a reputation. He didn't want to be seen as preaching to save the wicked Gentiles because Jonah is a Jew and they were Gentiles.

And so God asks Jonah, what right he had to be so upset? And so Jonah decided to just be upset and head into the city and brood over it.

Jonah 4 : 4 & 5 :

Then said the LORD, Doest thou well to be angry?

So Jonah went out of the city, and sat on the east side of the city, and there made him a booth, and sat under it in the shadow, till he might see what would become of the city.

And then you know the sun came up, and the weather was so hot, and so God made a plant grow where he was, so that the plant could shelter him.

And the LORD God prepared a gourd, and made it to come up over Jonah, that it might be a shadow over his head, to deliver him from his grief. So Jonah was exceeding glad of the gourd.
(Jonah 4 :6)

And then, God destroyed the plant.

Jonah 4 :7&8 :

But God prepared a worm when the morning rose the next day, and it smote the gourd that it withered.

And it came to pass, when the sun did arise, that God prepared a vehement east wind; and the sun beat upon the head of Jonah, that he fainted, and wished in himself to die, and said, It is better for me to die than to live.

And so Jonah got so upset again, he wished death upon himself. And so God chides him.

Jonah 4: 9 ,10 & 11:

And God said to Jonah, Doest thou well to be angry for the gourd? And he said, I do well to be angry, even unto death.

Then said the LORD, Thou hast had pity on the gourd, for the which thou hast not laboured, neither madest it grow; which came up in a night, and perished in a night:

And should not I spare Nineveh, that great city, wherein are more than sixscore thousand persons that cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand; and also much cattle?

Jonah's anger was misplaced. Here he was , being SO upset over a plant that had sheltered him and died; a plant that he did not labour on or plant, something that was so perishable. But yet he was not concerned over the souls of thousands in the city of Nineveh, who ' cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand ' . Basically what that term means is that, the people were in sin so much, that morally they found it difficult to tell what was right or wrong anymore.

I thought it was a wonderful truth to learn about God's grace. I'm sure all of us at one point or another have been living in some sort of sin. And i think many of us will feel that we're not doing anything wrong. See how in the past , premarital sex is wrong? Today it's a lifestyle, and not many think it is wrong today. What about smoking, or drinking? An unhealthy lifestyle? Drugs? Or people with Aids? Gambling? Even playing a bit of majong, betting, buying 4D. Sure, even though we can say , in comparison to murder or buying 4D is not as bad as gambling your life savings away, or social drinking is not as bad as being an alcoholic right? That's what most of us would say right? That's what God meant about how the people of Nineveh couldn't discern between their right hand or their left. In all honesty, if no one came up to tell us what we do is right or wrong, we wouldn't know the difference. It's about our value system , and thats why parents tell their kids when they're young to do this, or not to do that. I think i'm digressing.

Well, anyway, that's what i learnt. That God is merciful, unlike men.

He is Risen!

2008-03-23T23:04:00.002+08:00

Today i went to church, and learnt one thing.

If there was one thing in the whole of the bible that is important , it is that Jesus rose from the dead. Can u imagine if that did not happen, then whatever we've believed in , would be in vain because it just means we're praying to a dead person. It means that Satan would have won . It would mean that every other person that has died believing that Jesus is God would not be in heaven as promised. There would basically be no hope at all.

The first book in the bible, Genesis has its very first mention of the gospel.
It says in Genesis 3:15 - And i will put enmity between thee and the woman and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head and thou shalt bruise his heel.

When Jesus died on the cross, Satan was glad. That would mean the end of hope for the people. But when Jesus rose from the dead, it was a bruise to Satan's head. Which is a worst injury? A leg injury or a head injury?

In 1 Corinthians 15:12 , it talks about how people doubt the resurrection of Christ. In the old days, it was very hard for the Jews to accept the duality of Jesus, that he would be man, and God. That theory only existed in Greek Philosophy, where you have stories of Hercules and all the gods, so it was hard for the Jews to accept something like that.

It says in the bible :

1 Corinthians 15:12-19 (King James Version)

Now if Christ be preached that he rose from the dead, how say some among you that there is no resurrection of the dead?

But if there be no resurrection of the dead, then is Christ not risen:

And if Christ be not risen, then is our preaching vain, and your faith is also vain.

Yea, and we are found false witnesses of God; because we have testified of God that he raised up Christ: whom he raised not up, if so be that the dead rise not.

For if the dead rise not, then is not Christ raised:

And if Christ be not raised, your faith is vain; ye are yet in your sins.

Then they also which are fallen asleep in Christ are perished.

If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable.

That is why , if anything the most important thing we can take from the Christian faith, is that Jesus conquered the grave and that He is alive, there is hope.

I"m a Vampire and I've lost my fangs

2008-03-16T15:27:00.003+08:00

I've been listening to the Juno OST the past few days. Good soundtrack.

I think i'm losing my way with words. I can't seem to write them as well as i used to. I hope it has nothing to do with age.

Recently i've been bugged by work issues ; of things to come, and things that have already happened and are on going, and of the person i work closely with. I think it's important to have someone you are comfortable with, and can work with , but there are times, when i feel that i would rather much be on my own. There's nothing worst than working with someone that has a weird temperament. I think to nip the problem in the bud, it is to ignore how one feels, and just be professional about it. Just think of the end, which is getting the work done, and getting it done well. Maybe I'm too nice, which is what most people think of me, and then there is naivety. It's hard drawing the line i feel. How can one be nice, and not naive? Perhaps it is not letting people take advantage of me? Well, i need prayer in that area, in handling people.

After working at my new place, I've learnt a lot about people. That most of the time, we are driven by our opinions of them, and others opinion of them. That's not new right? But i think I'm really understand that point nowadays. I may not like everyone i work with, but you know there are times when i try to just forget about how i feel about them, and then just treat them as-is, and i find out they are not too bad after all. I think i want to do that more often. Some of the people i used to talk about or really dislike, i think they're alright.

There's going to be a change in my job scope soon enough. I really want to be able to do it well, and i'm sure God will help me by helping me to see what's important, and with a quick mind to do my job well. I don't want to compete with people. I just want to do my job and be happy. I don't want to be a bitch either to the people around me no matter how they treat me, because it's just not right. But, i want to be firm with people. So if you're reading this, say a little prayer for me when you happen to think about me. That Jayne will be grounded as a person, and happy.

Ho, a piece of my boring life

2008-03-16T15:27:00.000+08:00

A bad choice.

2008-02-27T23:06:00.003+08:00

I got a haircut and it's really bad. It wasn't supposed to be as short as it is, and the dumb hairdresser cut it such that its supposed to look good if i rebonded my hair (which is what she kept on pressing me to do. And color by the way.Blood suckers.) I didn't know why she did what she did, because i went to her before, and her cutting technique isn't too bad. It makes me wonder if perhaps it was just be me thinking that for once, i've finally found a stylist that knew what suited me.

Honestly, is there any stylist out there that can tell me what looks good on me, without me having to rebond my hair, just so it's easier to cut? I mean, why can't they have the creativity to just work on what my hair texture is already like, and then come up with something? I thought i was done with rebonding, but now, i have to go back to it, just to 'save' my look.

I just wanted to go for a simple trim to lessen the mess of my hair as it is. Now i have to spend more, and I'm broke. I feel sad. Super sad.

It pisses me off.

2008-02-19T21:37:00.002+08:00

Today i was reading an article on certain families in Singapore who are struggling. There was a paragraph on an 82 year old man, who was still working to support 3 children, who are in their early 40s to 50s but who are unable to work and support the family because they are mentally disabled. Then the article continued to go on about how there is quite an amount of elderly folks, whose children are not supporting them, or giving their parents any money. I didn't know there was an option of the parents bringing their own children to the Tribunal Court , where their children can be charged and ordered to support their elderly parents.

Here's an excerpt from the article:

"Last Friday, Finance Minister Tharman Shanmugaratnam announced that the monthly amount given to PA (Public Assistance) recipients will be raised by $40 to $330 a month. MPs who wlecomed the change hope that the PA safety net could be made more flexible to include those whose children are in low paying jobs or unable to work themselves. The scheme is under review."

"Parents can approach the Tribunal for the Maintenance of Parents for help to force their children to support them. Over the past two years, the tribunal received a total of 870 reports of children not supporting their parents. The familes were advised to go for counselling, after which only 188 cases were taken up by the tribunal. Charity workers say many parents find it hard to take their children to the tribunal."

There were examples of families who were living on a $100 a month given by their children, who were in low income jobs. Honestly, when i was reading it, it made me thankful that i had an ok paying job, and that i would be able to give more than that amount to my parents. Then it hit me, that i was supposed to give my dad $500 a month, and i hadn't given him any yet, because looking at my pay and my savings, i really don't have that amount to give. Then on top of that, my parents were talking about jobs, and how my mum can't quit yet even if she wanted to because she's the only other person who's earning quite a bit.

I immediately went from being thankful, to being pissed and feeling like it's never going to be enough. I wished i had more money, so i can save, and give to my parents. But when i was paid more in the past, i never gave much to my parents either, so what difference would it make if i were paid more now?

Then i had a demoralising day in the office feeling like i wasn't good enough. Sure , not all days can be on a high right? Then i met a film friend, and she asked how i was doing, and i mentioned i wasn't in the industry anymore. Every one i've spoken to said that my job sounds interesting and fun. Ratna says, i shouldn't care what people think as long as i'm happy, and i shouldn't feel sad that i'm not in the industry anymore. I don't think it's wrong that i miss doing production work . I mean, i was in it for a while, and had much memories when i was shooting it in school and on the projects after that. I feel that people forget that it wasn't like i tried it for half a year and decided it wasnt' for me. I didn't even know you when i was doing film ok, and i was doing it before you did.
I don't regret going into it, and i don't regret getting out of it. I just miss it.

And, no one will understand how i feel about weddings now, unless you're in my shoes and live my life. This week is a rough week, and as much as i wish i could just take off as i want to, i can't cause i burned my leave for a wedding in May.

Wow Whee.

Sigh.

2008-01-27T00:41:00.000+08:00

I think i've been sighing a lot lately.

Today was nice, i got to pack up my room ( which took SO much time) and thank God i managed to do most of it by 5pm. Then , i went to meet up with old classmates. It is NICE seeing them and just chatting with them again, but i must say, it made me a tad sad that i'm not in the film industry anymore. A small part of me misses it, and wonders if i could be successful if i had stayed on. I think it is harder to work in the Media line because of many factors, and i do wonder if perhaps i'm too 'nice' or naive to stay on. I believe that one must have some sort of calibre to do this line.

Anyway, i've changed my line of job, and here's a picture of what i do now.

I decorate the children's playroom with a different theme set by the teachers each week. And this week, it's about bears. HAHA.

I sorted through alot of stuff i wrote in my books when i was studying the bible. I learnt much more from the bible before i got saved and came to church than i did when i was in church. That's why it is possible for the non Christians to think they are Christians just because they understand the bible or know alot about it. It isn't so much understanding, as it is about believing what you've learnt. Also, i learnt that it is only God's will that i learnt about the bible then, much more than now when i'm attending church. That shows that God is not a respecter of persons, and even though i wasn't a Christian then, he still stood by me.

When it comes down to it, it's not that we decide, or choose God. God chooses us, and he draws us to Him. When he chooses you, it will not be a hard decision to make, and neither will it be an option you weigh with having your current lifestyle changed. It's hard to explain, but when it happens, you'll know what i mean.

Middle Class Lady

2008-01-22T21:42:00.000+08:00

I'm online now talking to a friend about my job, and how the lack of money is making me feel uncomfortable. Perhaps i shouldn't have been dumb enough to get a really expensive insurance plan, and now that i'm going to give my dad $500 a month ( which any child should be doing anyway, giving money ) i realize i would not be able to save as much as i used to. Maybe all this will get better, and God will help tie me through the year, by at least working on my mind and heart not to be bothered about my current status. I asked Derek why our country is 'killing' us by the rising cost of living in contrast to the mediocre wages the average employee gets, and how the rich only get richer, the poor poorer, and the middle-class get nowhere.

It's no wonder that most of us dream of striking it rich by means of a lottery ticket, or lucky draws, any way that would help us lighten the load/responsibility we have today in this time of age, where living is just expensive. So far there has been suggestions/comments on how the majority of us , are having it hard surviving here, but there are no solutions, or rather, no approval of whatever suggestions are made.

It's not a matter of whether we speak up or not, it's that when we do, nothing is really done about it. Perhaps those who hear, don't know what to do about it either.

Another ____ day

2008-01-18T23:14:00.000+08:00

Friday night. Whoever started saying that it's supposed to be the night where one goes out to party, or have a date, or just have fun?

Today as usual i was bored and alone. It bugs me that i really have no one at all.

Fun Pics, and Thought.

2008-01-13T21:49:00.000+08:00

Here's some pics i thought i would upload for the fun of it. The first one's of a t-shirt Wayne got me, and the other one is of me reading my work contract. Thanks to Ratna for the Viking hat. I thought it would help me think.

Today's preaching in church was interesting. Maybe i should go down more often besides Sundays. Wednesday's preaching was about how it isn't about God punishing us when we sin, and not serving God because we want to be blessed. That night i realised that perhaps our emphasis in preaching, and the way we were brought up in church, might have been a bit off, that's why so many young people left. Today i learnt that the preaching in a church, should come from the bible, from God, and not really from what the Pastor thinks the church needs to hear, because if it was done that way, then the spiritual growth of it's people, will only be as high as the Pastor's. We should grow spiritually according to God's word, and not be lead on by the Pastor's.

I'm beginning to see God , or rather, what I've learnt about him , differently. I don't know if it's a good kind of different, or if it's wrong. I mean, imagine growing up in a church , and through it's preaching, you have every reason to believe it's a good church, one that follows the bible, and then now there's a possibility that it's not that perfect after all. I wonder if accepting that there is no perfect church, or the 'right' church helps . Who is God? I mean, i'm not asking who he is because i'm questioning whatever i've believed about Him. I mean, i want to know what His character is like, what His train of thought would be, if He were to live in our world today as one of us, a human being, what would his lifestyle be like, what would be His take on life? If my hunch is right, it's going to be an incredible time finding that out. It'll be interesting too.

Life scares me, and it really shouldn't. If anything, i want my kids to never be afraid. I don't want them to be like me. I want them to be happy, to LOVE life. Where did i read it before, someone saying that dying , death, to kill oneself is not the hardest thing. It is easy to choose to die, to want to. But to live, that is an incredible task whether we realise it or not. I wish to live a life without fear.

Maybe i'm thinking too much because tomorrow's Monday, and I've just watched this show called The Sea Inside. Beautiful show. Anyway, sigh, it's back to work. But I've learnt, that i shouldn't think/imagine/worry/inventinmyheadsillysenariosonhowscarey
workwillendupbeing and just take each day as it comes. It doesn't mean that i shouldn't have some sort of goal, but not think too far ahead that it scares me. It's not constructive that way. I think 70% of stress in people's life, is the pressure they put upon themselves : their expectations & criticisms,& imaginary expectations of what other people have of them.

We would be happier if we were content, if we didn't always seek for people to like us, or think good of us , to praise us. We should be happy, because it is what we want to be, and as cliche and simple as it sounds, our circumstances shouldn't affect how we feel should it? What defines us, is who we are inside; our thoughts, our choices that stem from our upbringing and experiences. Why do we make ourselves feel miserable by filling our lives with things that don't last? I think its ok to shop, to buy new things, to eat good food, but not that it is never enough, or that it controls you, or it defines you.

It would be quite sad that at the end of your life, all people see or remember about you, are the new clothes you have on your back every week, or the material things that you own, or how good you looked. Just an empty shell.

Hello . Let me tell you about my day.

2008-01-08T23:19:00.000+08:00

Today i went down to sign the contract for the job i've decided to take up. I wished i got paid more, but, i'm sure if God got me into this , then He'll make it sufficient.
Perhaps you may think, surely something as simple as getting a job, doesn't really involve God right ? That after all, it's the choices we make in life that gets us where we are, so what has God got to do with it? Sometimes i wonder about that too. I wonder what it feels like to not 'depend' on God. Sometimes i wonder if not knowing that there is a sense to everything, or a higher power is in control, that maybe i'll come out a different person. Maybe i'll be more fearful because i would worry alot about the future.

You know what defines us? When i look around me now, infront of me, there's a bulletin board i put up and there are photos of Ed & Me, and it makes my heart warm. I see an invite and a picture of Liz and Ben. I see a flyer of Gone Shopping up there. It gives me some calmness to understand that what defines me is my relationship with the people i have around me. The memories. The people in them. My parents, my family, friends & God. That's the only thing that lasts you know?

The exteriors are work, money, car, housing, food, and all it ever seem to do is give us grief for never having enough. Maybe it's because of where we stay and how we are conditioned. There are too many bills to pay , too much work and too little pay. The rich get richer and the poor, poorer. May this year be a happier one for the middle-class, and the poor people.

And may i get used to my job and enjoy it soon. :(

Scaredy Cat

2008-01-05T23:47:00.000+08:00

I'm scared!

Jittery la....I hope my jitters end soon, and i'm sure they will end in time. I decided on taking up the job, and on monday i'll be looking over the contract and all. It scares me that i'm taking on something so permanent, but i have to. For the future, and for practical reasons too.

If any of you happens to pop by, say a prayer for me? I just want to stop being afraid.

Good deals!

2008-01-03T00:13:00.000+08:00

Today i went to Borders and found a book i had been wanting to read/get for REALLY CHEAP! I got it for $5.95! YES!

I love cheap good deals. Sometimes it's quite shocking to see how low things can really be sold for, and then you wonder about it's true value. Well, i guess Borders make a lot of money anyway.

Today i got an email from an employer, and when i read it, i felt teary-eyed. First time in my life. And i don't mean in a bad way, but she was really nice in the email. Maybe there's still doubt in the back of my mind as to whether i can trust her; whether it's just fancy words on her part.

But I'm praying about it, and will come up with an answer soon.

The Last Day of the Year

2007-12-31T00:36:00.000+08:00

It's 12.38am, and the start of the last day of the year. I'm going to miss this day, like any other last days of the past years i've missed. I hope this year will be a better one for everyone. I want this year to be better for every single person on earth. Much has happened over the past few days, but it seems to have come to a closure before the new year begins. Let there be hope! Joy! Contentment! I feel as if , there's more to life, there's more to look forward to.

I love you all.

Happy New Year.

Novelty Item

2007-12-31T00:32:00.001+08:00

Check this out!

OFF

ON

Way Cool!

I've learnt.

2007-12-29T02:14:00.000+08:00

I've learnt that we don't know the future, but we always hope for the best.

I've also learnt something about God. Rather what we are taught to believe about Him. It is inevitable that when something bad happens, the christian wonders immediately if it was because God was laying down punishment. Fear sets in, and because your choices affect everyone else around you, you don't want God to lay down His punishment on them. After all, if it's your choice, why should someone else pay for the consequences? I haven't been able to reconcile something that's on my mind : God gave us free will. Yet if we do not do His will, He will punish us. So does it mean that God just wants us to do what He wants, or put us in a situation where we have to? Like some scare tactics in order to make us bend over backwards? I think , if anything, God wants us to do what we do, for him, because we willingly want to do it. Maybe that's where the free will part comes in. Sometimes, i believe it's the preaching that influences the word of God a bit. I'm glad that God is God, and he isn't unpredictable,forceful, or controlling like men, with what they preach. And that He's allowed me to think for myself more.

I've learnt that, God does the calling, and that the only point that humans see the need of religion or anything spiritual, is when a situation in life comes along, and they need it. - I got that from Peng. It's true. It's not like we decide one day that we were going to be Buddhist or Christian. We can't force people to believe in anything, unless they themselves are convinced. They have to make the choice. That's free will isn't it?

I've learnt that, the most important thing is the heart, because our actions, behavior, choices stem from there. And that even though David sinned, committed adultery and murder, that God still labeled him as a 'man after God's own heart' because David loved God. The bible also mentions that ' Man looks on the outward , but God looks upon the heart.' God knows my heart, no matter what any other self righteous Christian says about me.

2007-12-28T01:25:00.000+08:00

I am heartbroken.
And it's all my fault.

Decision Time

2007-12-23T00:28:00.000+08:00

Did i even spell 'decision' correctly?

I'm seriously thinking about the future, and how there's going to be some important things i really need to consider. The more i think about it, it seems that either way, or either 3 ways, it looks like I'm going to come out of it alone.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Something's wrong.

2007-12-12T21:54:00.000+08:00

Today seemed like a very bad day. It went well, and then downhill the moment i reached the hospital. It was supposed to be a happy occasion, the birth of a child, but i just sat there feeling awkward, and left out , not understanding a word of what was being said. And then this wave of sadness hit me. Perhaps i was sitting there looking at the room filled with families, and I'm looking at how happy they are. You know what naturally came along : Comparison. And then it was a slight tearing in my eyes, as i pretended to munk around with my phone , looking like i was doing something important. Don't get me wrong, i don't mean to say i wanted a family too at that moment. I really wanted their happiness. I want to be happy, but I'm not.

Maybe it's because I'm so hungry, or maybe it's my lack of sleep, that time of the month; whatever reason it is, i wished i didn't behave this way.

And it seemed my unhappiness spread over to everyone else : Fatimah, my dad, and Charmaine. No one else responded, not Peng, not Adrian or Carol. I think it is true that sooner or later, no one bothers or really cares. It is not their life, not their sadness or unhappiness. Maybe one day I'll get tired of it too.

Movie watching and thinking.

2007-12-03T22:50:00.000+08:00

I recently watched :

Enchanted
Two Days in Paris

Both shows are nice. I really enjoyed Enchanted , no matter what others may say about it. Two Days in Paris is witty, with good dialogue.

Then i came home and watched I Propose, and i cried. I think it's because i miss Ed.

Anyway, tomorrow is the start of my work-trial, and as usual i'm nervous about the new change. I just hope the people are nice, and the job's fun, and really what i want to do in future.

Now, all i need to go is take a breath and take it as it comes .

It's rainy everyday.

2007-11-28T12:08:00.000+08:00

Today it is brought to my attention , how much i really like my mum. I suppose I should be using the word 'love' but the way i was brought up, it would be such a mushy thing to say even to family, but you get my point.

It's been boring not having her around to talk to. Or just shop with. I think I'm beginning to understand the importance of having daughters. Anyway..

It's been cloudy these few days, and i really enjoy that sort of weather. If it's a reflection of how i've been feeling these days, i hope it gets sunny soon.

.....

2007-11-17T12:25:00.000+08:00

......

Embracing Fear

2007-11-16T02:12:00.000+08:00

Today after my driving lesson, i went to the library, and came across an Oprah magazine. In it was an article about fear, and how it prevents us from making the most out of our life.

It spoke about a woman who had a fear of flying after the Sept 11 attacks, and then later on, had a fear of driving, and slowly her fear spiraled out of control and soon she was depending on drugs to help her fall asleep, or to just help her function daily. The writer recommended that the best way to conquer our fears is to learn to embrace them. You see ,fear prevents us from doing certain things because we are afraid to 'hurt' ourselves. It can be a defense mechanism, to protect us physically from jumping off the tallest building, or trying that bungee jump experience.It can also be a mental thing, that goes in to auto pilot, and associates anything to do with that fear with whatever you relate it to. For example, if you had a bad breakup after a long relationship, then you would feel miserable, and any place you had gone with your ex ( the beach, a particular shopping centre, your favourite hunts you had shared with that person) will immediately be associated with that heartbeak, and so your mind has programmed that emotion (fear/sadness/rejection) to that 'visual' ( beach , shopping centre, etc).
And then if you don't keep it under control, you will soon run from anything and everything you're afraid of.

So the solution is to embrace fearing. Embrace suffering. It's only when you allow yourself to go against your fear, will there be a fighting chance of you succeeding in living your life normally, or even to the fullest that it can be.

The Mystery Thing.

2007-11-12T03:05:00.000+08:00

Cue scarey music : Deng deng DENGGG!!!!!

Carol and i walked out of the lift only to see this!

Of course , i did a mock ' BEWAREEE!'

It's an orange little bear like object sitting on the staircase. HAHAHA.. Ok, maybe i'm lame, but you have to admit, it's quite funny. In a creepy way.

Quote

2007-11-10T22:59:00.001+08:00

A nice quote that came to mind yesterday :

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

That's from the show Princess Diaries, and also a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt.

I love good deals!

2007-11-10T22:21:00.000+08:00

This past 2 days have been good days of shopping! Alright, now, I'm not saying i spent a lot, and if i did, it's usually not much, because i pride myself on getting good deals! Oh no i sound so 'hao lian' !

Yesterday i was at Orchard Cineleisure , and guess what? A pushcart is selling Nail Art 3D stickers for ONE DOLLAR!! Even, me who isn't so much of a Nail Art kinda girl, bought 6 at a go. ( because buy 6, have 1 free! )I'm now going to decorate my nails occasionally for the fun of it!

I went to Muji too, and they were selling nice sandals for 30 - 50% off! Original price is $45 bucks, and i happened to spot one that was going at half price. Maybe they tagged it wrongly, but anyway, i didn't get the shoes.

Then i went to Bugis, and walked around the usual 'cheap' spots. At one stationery stall, they were selling Christmas Decors/ gifts for REALLY cheap. You know those round balls they use as ornaments on Christmas trees? They were selling it as nicely designed candle holders for TWO DOLLARS each, the bigger one for FIVE DOLLARS each. Russ 'Ornament' picture frames for FIVE DOLLARS, and a whole lot of other stuff. Good for gifts for the office since Christmas is round the corner.

Today in the evening, there is something like a mini flea market under the Tampines MRT tracks. I got that info from a friend of mine, and it seems they have it every 2nd week of the month. Anyway, it's really interesting what they sell there. I bought more NAIL ART stuff , and a rubber stamp pre-loaded with ink for FIFTY CENTS and then this is the best part. There was a lady selling stationery and i told Caroline, " If they sell G-Tec pens for cheap, I'm going to get a few. " And they DID! If you know the price of a G-Tec pen, they go for 3.80 to 4 bucks a piece. So buying the refills are cheaper because they only cost $1.60. But these G-Tec pens the lady was selling cost only ONE DOLLAR FIFTY for one! There were all sorts of colors, and I bought 4 immediately.( Maybe i should have gotten more? ;p) And you know there's this 'Tiara' pen series that comes in different colors, and there's glitter in it ? They were going at ONE DOLLAR for one, and 4 for $4.50. I bought one. But you know, there are SO many other types of pens there , that I'm sure students are going to love stocking up for school next year.

I think tomorrow's the last day for flea market though.

A bug called Fear.

2007-11-07T14:09:00.000+08:00

I've been bitten by a bug, and it's been bugging (pun not intended) me for a long time. It is a terrible thing to catch.

Excerpt from GotQuestions.org :

God tells us not to be afraid of being alone, not to be afraid of being too weak, not to be afraid of not being heard, and not to be afraid for our physical necessities. And these “fear not” admonishments continue throughout the Bible covering the many different aspects of the “spirit of fear.”

However, these “fear nots” are dependent upon our ability to put our trust and faith in the Lord. In Psalm 56:11 the psalmist writes, “In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me.” This is an awesome testimony to the power of trusting in God. What the psalmist is saying is that regardless of what happens, he will trust in God. This is the key to overcoming fear - total and complete trust in God.

It is a refusal to give into fear. It is a turning to God even in the darkest times and trusting in God to make things right. This trust comes from knowing God and knowing that He is a good God who only wants to give His children good things. It is as Job said when he was experiencing some of the most difficult trials recorded in the Bible, “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him (Job 13:15).”

Once you have learned to put your trust in God you will no longer be afraid of the things that come against you. You will be like the psalmist and, “…let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee" (Psalm 5:11).

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
--I John 4:18

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
--II Timothy 1:7

And here are other quotes from famous persons :

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.
--Unknown

Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do.
--Pope John XXIII

Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile initially scared me to death.
--Betty Bender

Love is always creative, fear always destructive.
--Emmet Fox

Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold.
--Helen Keller

Usually a person has more faith in their fear than faith in their future.
--Doug Firebaugh

A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
--Spanish proverb

Carol's Pre-Wedding Pics

2007-11-07T12:36:00.000+08:00

Hello, and ok i can't remember exactly what words to us, but it's not her actual wedding day pictures!

I'm going to upload some for now, cause we don't have the actual pics yet, so you'll see a big JOHN LIM on it. He's the photographer!

Here's one of them in the studio.

And another one in a different dress.

Her evening gown.

Check out Yan Ling and his cool look!

Carol's wedding dress!

I think Carol looks like a spanish bride, but the look is vintage!

At the train staion.

Well, there's alot others, but i can't seem to get the right pics saved. Any how, the wedding is in 3 months.

Breathe.

2007-11-02T00:12:00.000+08:00

I'm watching this show called '101 Objects removed from a human body'. Called Caroline a while to chat about the show a bit, and worked a bit on my lesson tomorrow. I guess i'm nervous about tomorrow . ( as usual) I just want to make sure i know enough that if anyone would to ask me questions tmr, i would be able to answer back.

Also, it feels really lonely now. My parents have gone for a short holiday, and will be back on Saturday. I mean, normally i would be ok, but i think it's just nerves la, so i have this weird feeling in my stomach, wishing that my parents, or someone would be around. Carol's real nice for saying i can call her anytime, and even asking if i wanted to sleep over. But it's too much of a rush, and i'm afraid i would forget something, and have to head back home.

How can i be such a cowardly person? I guess everyone is that way, they just deal with it differently. I'm really glad i can pray for calmness whenever i'm afraid. I think any normal person would be tired of my being scared, but i'm glad that at least God never gets tired. Me and a friend nearly got into a pretty serious accident on Wed night, it happened so quickly i think if the car had hit us, i would have broken a hip or something. Thank God nothing happened.

p/s: i just saw a maggot pulled out of a woman's scalp! YUCKS!!! Totally wished i did not see that....

DIY Cake

2007-10-30T11:29:00.000+08:00

I got this really cool DIY Cake, and made it for a special someone.

Instructions

Materials

Final Outcome!

Of course , i got a bit lazy halfway, and used UHU Glue for some parts of the cake. It's crazy having to stitch every single part! So the cake smells a little toxic. Hehe. Sorry Ed!

A 'Weep' helps.

2007-10-25T21:29:00.001+08:00

In a while, I'll be reviewing the lesson i'm supposed to teach tomorrow. I'm trying to picture what everyone is doing, and right now, i can imagine Caroline, Yan Ling and Mel having a swell time in town, or perhaps on the way home after getting their suits, and dresses settled. I imagine myself there with them, and having fun too.

Tomorrow morning , it's off to another interview for a job i applied for at least a month ago. Seems the lady knows me , but i can't recall who. I think i might have a very vague idea of who it might be, and frankly, i hope it isn't her. I felt that she was quite sarcastic towards me and a friend on one shoot. Anyway, I've decided that whatever job i get, isn't a life or death thing, so i shouldn't be all uptight about whether i get it or not. I've applied to one another position, and i hope i get that one. It's an art teacher position. That would be real swell.

I felt a bit bothered earlier, but there's nothing a 'weep' can't help. The thing is, my right eye itches terribly in bouts, so I'm thinking its the dirt from my hands. I hope it heals up soon. :(

I'm really glad that God's there no matter what.

Yay!

2007-10-25T11:06:00.000+08:00

Yes, tmr i have a job! It's a workshop and i hope i do well! I know in the last blog i said that they cancelled, but it got too late and they couldn't cancel, so i'm still going to get to do it.

I remember last night before i slept thinking how i'm going to crunch in my sleep again, and just wondering if a job would come along that was perfect for me, or rather, something i could do. They say that God gives us the desire of our hearts, so i hope this job will go well.

Feeling Lousy.

2007-10-24T22:56:00.000+08:00

Today i found out i didn't get the SNO job i applied for. Was supposed to teach this Friday, to replace a friend, but i guess I'm not good enough that the organizers rather cancel the whole event than get me to try it out. Who can blame them ? I mean there's a lot riding on their company name, if i don't do a good job.

Am i really so lousy? Majority of jobs i applied for , didn't call me back. And those that did, somehow i manage to screw it up too. Maybe i shouldn't be so picky and just take anything that comes along. Here i am, holding on to the possibility of hitting the gold mine. And then i'm getting slack for still being jobless, or not trying hard enough, and yet when jobs come along and i feel that i should take it, there are warning signs as to why i shouldn't.

Allow me to go back into my corner and sulk.

Ed's Driving!

2007-10-24T15:04:00.000+08:00

Ok, you guys might think it's not a big deal, but it is to me. As i sat next to him in the van, it felt very unreal that he's driving. I think it's cool to be able to drive for real. Tsk Tsk on me, for procrastinating in getting my act together and taking lessons.

Shuyi's Boy

2007-10-24T13:49:00.000+08:00

Shuyi's boy Bryant.

All about Penang

2007-10-24T01:04:00.000+08:00

Well, i can't really say i know all about it, but here's some fun we had in Penang!

1) Food . I don't think i ate as much here as over there. We had Penang Laksa, Jawa Mee, Char Kway Teow, Kuay Kak ( carrot cake), Curry Mee, Wantan Mee, Ikan Bahkar, Fish Head Curry, all sort of Kuehs, Kaya Balls, and the list goes on and on....

Way cool signboard.

A competitor just across from Kha Khi Nang! Amazing they can get away with that huh?

And another signboard i don't think should be up.

2) We went jogging. Can you believe it? Go all the way to Penang just to jog... Anyway,we went to a hill on Penang Island, i don't know if it's the Penang Hill, anyway, it's just a slope that kept going upwards. You can do a slow jog, but in 10 mins feel like the incline was beyond 10 on the treadmill. I didn't even make it halfway up.

That's Penang Hill in the background

We also went to a dam they had there. Beautiful scenery. It's like Bedok reservoir with hills in the back instead of buildings.

3) Shopping! We went to FOS ( Factory Outlet Store) & The Reject Shop, and of course other places like Billion, Mega Mall, The Store, and i think 1 more other place that i can't remember.

4) I tried driving there once. This time round, i was not gamed for it. The last time i nearly drove my aunt and brother into a wall, but of course, i had it all under control and swerved mightly back. It does worry me a bit that even though i took some lessons here, i still can't get the hang of driving clutch. Sigh.

5) DVD watching EVERY NIGHT. My aunts have no cable, nor do they subscribe to the local channels, so it's just DVD watching of whatever they had borrowed from friends (a whole lot of chick flicks! ) , action stuff my dad that brought over the last time, and new stuff we got there. We are a desperate people dependent on moving images and great sounds to end our day.

6) Crunching. It seems my aunt wakes up to see me crunching in my sleep every morning, of every day that i was there. I probably crunch at night too, but who knows? I do know i was dreaming before i woke up, so maybe it's an equation like
To Dream = To Crunch.
My aunt says it's got to do with subconsciouses stress I'm having, but maybe I'm just dreaming?

7) Archery! I've always wanted to do it, and finally got to in this shop at Mega Mall. 4 RM for 12 bows. Think it's a fun idea to have in a mall.

My dad having a go.

And that's the fun we had in Penang!

A Fresh New Start!

2007-10-05T00:59:00.000+08:00

This week, i wonder if it's because of prayer, or for whatever reasons, i just feel happier. I feel like i'm not afraid of people anymore, or that nothing is as scary as i make it out to be. Anthea seems to think it's a stage/turning point that everyone goes through, where they suddenly grow up or grow stronger. She says it's almost instantaneous.

Also i got my PDL extended, and i'm going to get driving lessons. Maybe that's partly why i feel happier.

The art of happiness, is not caring what others think about you. I know, it sounds cliche, but i really believe and have realized, that 70% of the stress we have in our lives, has something or another to do with how our boss/family/friends/pastor/colleagues opinion of us, and the choices we make. We try to balance their different thoughts and what they feel we should do with our lives. In the end, i believe that family is important, and God is important, and we cannot please everyone, especially people that do not matter to us as much. In the end we have to live with our choices.

Fishing!

2007-09-15T23:03:00.002+08:00

Went fishing with Anthea recently, and took some videos of the fishes we caught. While trying to get a hook out (I'm such a scaredy cat, so Anthea took over), Anthea ripped the lips off a parrot fish and we both screamed, only to have 2 uncle fishermen nearby come to our rescue.

Here's one clip of a Trigger Fish.

But it was fun!

p/s: Ben said Trigger Fish's meat taste nice when steamed.

Grabbed off Charles's Blog!

2007-09-12T11:23:00.001+08:00

Advice to All You Graduates: Let's Start With That Daily Latte . . .
By DAMON DARLIN

Published: June 10, 2006

This is the season for giving advice to graduates as they enter the workplace. Instead of listening to yet another recitation of the usual admonishments to "change the world," "carpe diem," or "wear sunscreen," those graduates — unless they are already trapped on the nonpaying internship hamster wheel — need to hear how to manage their paychecks.

Parents may have tried this. And many will undoubtedly send this article to their children. But, dear graduate, before you wad this up and toss it next to the keg still sitting there from last week's party, consider this: If you think it is tough living on very little now, imagine what it will be like when you are old and sick.

Surveys say most of you already suspect Social Security will not be around after mom and dad deplete it sometime during your peak earning years. A recent survey by the Pew Research Center found that 61 percent of Americans 18 to 29 years old favored a system of privatized retirement savings accounts.

Let's start with the easy stuff first.

Make your own coffee You probably know you spend a lot at Starbucks, a company that collected $6.4 billion from coffee drinkers last year. You probably don't have any idea how much of that total came from you. A calculator at www.hughchou.org/calc/coffee.cgi let's you figure that out and also forecast how much you will spend over a decade of coffee breaks. (This Web site contains a treasure trove of financial planning calculators.) Say you spend just $3.50 every workday for your latte. If you drank the free office brew instead, you'd have more than $11,500 to play with after 10 years.

Does coffee shop coffee taste better than the free stuff? Probably, but ask yourself, do you want to live in a roach-infested studio apartment with two roommates your entire life?

By the same logic, if you smoke, now is a good time to quit. Doing so will save you on average $25,600 over 10 years.

Learn to cook Unless you have learned the art of sneaking into conferences at hotels to snag a breakfast croissant or cocktail-hour shrimp, you need to reduce your dining budget. A twice-a-week kung pao chicken takeout habit can easily drain you of about $10,000 over 10 years.

At the very least, learn how to pack a lunch. Taking your lunch to work may seem like the equivalent of sitting with the nerds in the school cafeteria, and going out to lunch with colleagues can sometimes be a smart career move. But bringing your lunch lets you be more choosy about who you are eating with and saves money. How much? Back to the online calculators (www.hughchou.org/calc/lunch.cgi) and you'll discover that the savings could be as much as $23,000 in 10 years.

The tally so far: $34,500 (for the nonsmokers), or enough to make a down payment on a $172,500 house. That won't get you much in most big cities, so you really need to exert yourself.

Pay yourself first If you do everything suggested so far, you haven't had to sacrifice much except perhaps a regular lunch with the office jokers. Now, prepare to sacrifice.

Set aside 10 percent of your paycheck in a savings or brokerage account separate from where the rest of your money goes. You'll be less tempted to spend it if it is hidden away there, unattached to a checkbook or an A.T.M. card. If your employer has direct deposit of paychecks, your paycheck can probably be directed to different places.

Here comes the tough part. You are going to squirrel away this money in addition to the pretax money that you take out of your paycheck to save in the company 401(k). Only 31 percent of workers 18 to 25 participate in a tax-deferred 401(k) retirement plan, according to a recent survey by Hewitt Associates, an employee benefits consulting firm. The others undoubtedly assume that they'll get to it later. About two-thirds of workers 42 to 59 have money set aside in a 401(k).

There is an important reason you want to start early, even though it hurts. Say you withhold $375 a month for your 401(k). In 40 years, you'll have $750,000. But those who waited a decade to get started would have only $377,000.

And guess who delayed? Mom and dad. The average amount in a 401(k) is less than $60,000, according to the Investment Company Institute, a trade association of retirement fund companies. Generation X isn't in any better shape. A study by the Center for Retirement Research at Boston College found that 49 percent of those born from 1965 to 1972 won't have enough money at retirement to maintain their standard of living.

Another bit of advice: Stick the money in the broadest stock index fund offered by your plan, not bonds and not a money market fund. Sure, the markets may stumble at some point during the next 45 years, but history has shown that they will rise over a period that long. You take risks when you are young.

Ignore your raises Every time you get a raise, and you'll get them because you are working hard instead of spending money you don't have, pretend you didn't get one. Bank the entire amount.

Over time, you'll start spending the money. It's human nature. But you'll start spending it more slowly. You'll keep the car another few years. You won't immediately move to a new apartment. All that helps money to accumulate.

By this point, you may be screaming: "I can't afford to do this. There will be nothing left for me to live on. Have you seen my student loans?"

A few words about those loans. The government will make its annual adjustment of interest rates on existing student loans on July 1 to reflect recent increases in all interest rates. Consolidating your loans at a fixed rate to lock in a lower interest rate is one possibility, but you need to calculate if the longer time frame of such loans — and the greater overall interest payments — offset the savings from the lower interest rate. (You can't consolidate consumer loans or credit card debt with the student loans.) You can always pay a loan off early once your salary increases.

Now, back to the hectoring. Having less to spend can help you spend less on frivolous things and save for worthwhile causes. Having less will also make you work harder to get more. If you are comfortable, you get complacent.

Don't borrow to buy depreciating assets Almost every consumer product from an iPod to a sofa is worth less the moment you buy it. You are just paying extra for it with a loan. Borrowing, by the way, means taking out a loan, buying it on installment or using your credit card when you don't have the money to pay off the balance. If you can't afford it, don't buy it.

An exception is a car, which may be a necessity that would be out of reach otherwise. One option to consider is a used car coming off a dealer's lease. They tend to be driven carefully and there are a lot of them thanks to recent incentives from manufacturers. Keep the term of the loan short to minimize cost. The latest edition of the Consumer Reports "Buying Guide" lists the most reliable used models, including the best ones for less than $6,000 like the 2002 Saturn SL sedan and the 2000 Toyota Echo. The guide also includes the less reliable models like the 2002 and 2003 Mini Cooper and the Volkswagen Beetle from 1998 through 2004.

Protect your credit Eventually you will have to borrow money for a car or a home. If you want to pay as little as possible in interest, you want pristine credit. So make yourself a credit card company's worst customer: pay your bills on time and never carry a balance. No exceptions. To help avoid temptation, use no more than two credit cards. Try to find one that gives you rewards — airline ticket rewards or cash — for using it, but still won't charge a fee for that privilege.

Another technique to cut down on incidental expenses is to train yourself to use the A.T.M. only once a month. Take out enough cash to get you through the month, and when you run out of cash near the end of the month, stop spending. Don't grab for the credit card.

Now go out and seize the day. And wear sunscreen.

A short Thesis on an amazing human species.

2007-09-11T17:28:00.001+08:00

There's this amazing human species around. If you meet them, you will be one of two things. You will be receptive, and accept their comments, or you will keep your emotions in check, and ignore whatever's said until you become jaded to their comments, or just explode in their faces, or neither, and just become a bitter bitch.
Pardon me for using the word bitch, but that is a character trait just waiting for infest and form if we dont keep check of ourselves.

I think it is very petty if, someone tells you what your problems are, the first reaction is that you point out that other person's problems too. But don't we all do that sometimes?

Another amazing thing about that species, they are most likely people who cannot forgive easily. They remember that one sin you commit, your character flaw, and then for the rest of your life, hold you against it. So, even if you've improved, they don't see that, all they see is that flaw.

This is a fact about 90% of the population in the world. No one remembers the good you've done in your life, only the bad things you did. (Unless you're Mother Theresa, or Gandhi, or Albert Einstein)

Therefore, I am not Mother Theresa, Gandhi, or Albert Einstein, but i am Jayne Cheong, a first stage Bitter Bitch.

Comfort Zone.

2007-09-09T21:34:00.000+08:00

I love my family, and no matter what, i know that family will ALWAYS be there.
You can think/feel that the rest of the world is crazy, but it's always good to know that the sanest people you've ever known and would never judge you is right in the next room. That gives me comfort.

I'm fired up, and just angry right now, cause of some people. I wish they would shut up, and stop talking, and stop thinking of themselves and how perfect they are. I almost wish i could fly to outer space and stay there as long as i want. At least there are no human beings there.

Cutie Pie

2007-09-08T01:34:00.000+08:00

Am testing out this new video add on for blogger. This is Li Yi a cutie in church.

Cool Stuff!

2007-09-08T01:00:00.000+08:00

I was out with Jo, and we had this weird meal for dinner. It's basically a rice ball filled with 5 ingredients ( out of a selection of 20 or so i think) and they stuff it into the rice. It's $3.20 a ball, so that's about the price of a meal. I think it's good as a diet. They have purple rice, brown rice and mixed grain, and it's supposed to be healthy. I don't think i would eat it everyday, but it's something to try for the fun of it.

My purple rice ball filled with asparagus, chicken floss, chicken tandoori, seaweed and something else, but i can't remember what.

And then , a friend wore something to church the other day. Cool pair of shoes he got online from the US.

It's totally webbed. Like toe socks, but they're shoes, with rubber lining the soles. And he can still wriggle his toes. Coolness.

DVD Deal!

2007-09-04T01:09:00.000+08:00

I bought The Girl with the Pearl Earring today! I enjoyed the show before, and bought it cause for Code 1 it's REALLY CHEAP! Only $24.90. Plus, it comes with a leather Girl with a Pearl Earring bookmark! It smells like leather, I'm sure it is!! What a cool deal!

a prayer for the storm to come

2007-09-03T00:18:00.000+08:00

Dear God, in a time where there seems to be no way out,
fill our hearts with hope.
Let our tears fall freely, and help us get over ourselves.
So we can truly forgive each other for once, and love all over again.

a wish for the world!

2007-09-01T23:50:00.000+08:00

I wish for everyone to be able get a job in doing what they enjoy!

Blue Fingers

2007-08-31T11:11:00.000+08:00

I found my blue ribbon!
And my glue gun!

So i didn't really need to get a glue gun in the first place. Oh well. That's what happens when you live in 2 different rooms and everything gets misplaced. It would have helped a lot more if i've kept things where i took them out from.

Untidy untidy me.

Today's decorating day for Yan Bin's Wedding Reception! YAY! I'm excited. I'm sure there's not much left to do, to put up, but everyone else is panicky. I prayed last night about today that it'll all go smoothly. And for Ed too for his interview today. Recently i've been wondering if God listens to our prayers even when we don't go to church, or when we stray far from Him. I'm glad He's still listening.

Hungry is me :(

2007-08-28T03:09:00.000+08:00

Today my glue gun short circuited. I was outside watching tv, while waiting for the gun to heat up, and then i heard a loud 'pop' and then the power tripped in my house. I run into Wayne's room to see a smoking glue gun.

Ah well, that's what happens when you buy cheap products. I'm glad it didn't catch fire .

I'm done with touching up a bit of the bows i did. And i made 8 more big bows for the curtains up front on the stage, and then 8 bigger versions of the smallest bow i have, and then 6 more huge ones. I'm SO tired of bows. I can't wait for the day i can put it all up. But then i have to figure out next how to attach wire/pins on all 50 bows.

Man, i can't believe i did 50 bows.

I'm tired.

Oh the lighter side, i LOVE longans! They are officially the best fruits on earth. I bought some from Carrefour and on a promo too! YUM! I guess they are good snacks.

Oh , and i LOVE seaweed too!! The Big Sheet series.