Dear All , Dear World
This is it! I'm flying off Wednesday! I can't wait. I guess i'm a little excited about it cause i'm going away finally . The escapist or wanderer in me is cheering. It's sorta like a last gathering of sorts, with my friends from school and all that. We're all probably never going to see each other again. I hate goodbyes, which is why sometimes, i never see people off especially if i know it's going to make me cry. I didn't want to see my good friend Liz, off, because i knew she would be going forever, and i hated that. But she asked me to be there, so i went there because she asked me to, if not, i never would have gone. I didnt' go to the airport when Lyd , her sister was leaving, because i hated the idea of them leaving forever, plus, i guess it was a lame excuse for me not to go also because i wasn't asked to ( i know it's just an excuse for me. It just would have hurt if i did go. Selfish me) Anyway, enough of this sad talk!
I'm leaving i'm leaving i'm leaving and i'm happy. And the next time, i'll probably leave for an even longer time. You know how through life you meet people, and you form friendships, close ones and then you care too much for those people, and they just don't feel the same way for you. Like, you're just not as important to them. The only time you would be precious to them, is if you did something for them, or if you were there when they needed you. Fair weathered friends huh? I don't know. Well, maybe i'm guilty of that , and i dont even know it myself . So, i'm at a point where i'm just filtering people out of my life. Just not placing them as highly important than i used to. Is that selfish? Practical? Well... why should i feel sad by putting myself in situations where i'll be treated like a bag, or just needed when i am, and know when i'm not?
You know the irony of it all? I asked my good pal Dushyant, why i felt this way, and how i wish i wouldn't feel this way about people. And you know what he said ? He said ' Jayne. I think you're acting this way cause you're too lonely' . I felt as if the world stopped on it's axis, and a silent scream just pierced through everything. Me? Lonely? ARGH! NEVER! I hate people, so how can i feel lonely? I mean, shouldn't i be embracing loneliness? Haha.. think about that. Embracing loneliness. It sounds almost sad. But i do get what he meant though.
I need to do stuff. You know, just get out there and work and do things so i dont' have time for people! That's the way! Then maybe for once, we'll switch roles, and they'll be trying to get hold of me, and i'll say GET LOST! BWAHAHAHAHAH!.
No really. I won't ever do that. I'll never want someone to feel any horrible feelings that i do . I'm kidding and it's only cause i'm allowing myself to feel silly and talk rubbish. I'm the most insane after 12 midnight. Anyhow...
Well, we'll see what happens regarding Dushyant's theory on my state of mind. =)
Monday, March 28, 2005
Thursday, March 24, 2005
It's good to be loved
Dear WORLD.
The greatest human need in the world is to be needed/wanted... so essentially it would come down to being loved. Yup. Whatever sort of love that is, whether it's the boy girl love, or love parents have for their children, everyone wants that. To know that they mean something to someone, that they're not just wasting space in the world, to know they more than exist.
I was talking to my friend online, he's about 30 and he's married and has kids, and i don't know why i started talking to him, but i started tell him what was bothering me. I guess maybe he was the only one who asked. Anyway, yah, i told him what was bothering me. He's probably the first Christian male person i spoke to about this. And maybe it's cause i need to speak to someone older than me. I feel so old in church (i'm the oldest youth girl) , and i mean, i spend like.. 70 % of my time there, most of my close friends are from church and i can hardly find anyone to have a decent conversation with about life, about love, about the world, what's happening, about anything besides talking about someone else. My brain is starved for different input from older people. Anyway, we spoke online about stuff, about what i was going through and all that, and though the problem isnt' solved even after talking, the highlight of the day was him telling me his 3 year old son says he loves me. The kid sees my picture on msn and he asks who it is, and well, he just said he loves me. Just those 3 words coming from a kid is enough to make me smile and think my life is going to be better.
In the past i always felt i had trouble dealing with people, and i feel i dealt especially well with children, and old people. I boiled it down to the fact the both age groups depended on me more so than any other age. A sense of being needed. I think that is why children are the most impressionable because when that need is not met, and it gets worst, they bring that problem with them when they hit the teen age and the rest of their adult life. Old people are the same. When they feel unwanted, unneeded, they just sit and be sad, and some kill themselves ( my policewoman friend told me of a few crime scenes she was at that involved old people killing themselves because they didn't want to be a burden anymore.) Everyone WANTS to be needed. It is an essential desire to be more than just existing.
It is GOOD to be loved, and i hope each one of you feels that no matter what happens. Even if you don't ( its bound to happen at one point or another) , i hope you get back on your feet and smile soon because someone does need you, you just don't know it.
The greatest human need in the world is to be needed/wanted... so essentially it would come down to being loved. Yup. Whatever sort of love that is, whether it's the boy girl love, or love parents have for their children, everyone wants that. To know that they mean something to someone, that they're not just wasting space in the world, to know they more than exist.
I was talking to my friend online, he's about 30 and he's married and has kids, and i don't know why i started talking to him, but i started tell him what was bothering me. I guess maybe he was the only one who asked. Anyway, yah, i told him what was bothering me. He's probably the first Christian male person i spoke to about this. And maybe it's cause i need to speak to someone older than me. I feel so old in church (i'm the oldest youth girl) , and i mean, i spend like.. 70 % of my time there, most of my close friends are from church and i can hardly find anyone to have a decent conversation with about life, about love, about the world, what's happening, about anything besides talking about someone else. My brain is starved for different input from older people. Anyway, we spoke online about stuff, about what i was going through and all that, and though the problem isnt' solved even after talking, the highlight of the day was him telling me his 3 year old son says he loves me. The kid sees my picture on msn and he asks who it is, and well, he just said he loves me. Just those 3 words coming from a kid is enough to make me smile and think my life is going to be better.
In the past i always felt i had trouble dealing with people, and i feel i dealt especially well with children, and old people. I boiled it down to the fact the both age groups depended on me more so than any other age. A sense of being needed. I think that is why children are the most impressionable because when that need is not met, and it gets worst, they bring that problem with them when they hit the teen age and the rest of their adult life. Old people are the same. When they feel unwanted, unneeded, they just sit and be sad, and some kill themselves ( my policewoman friend told me of a few crime scenes she was at that involved old people killing themselves because they didn't want to be a burden anymore.) Everyone WANTS to be needed. It is an essential desire to be more than just existing.
It is GOOD to be loved, and i hope each one of you feels that no matter what happens. Even if you don't ( its bound to happen at one point or another) , i hope you get back on your feet and smile soon because someone does need you, you just don't know it.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Who am i?
Here's something interesting. The other day, my younger bro was using the pc and he mentioned ' Hey jie, who's blog is this? Your friend's? ' I had two of my blog addresses on the explorer and he had probably switched to it. I just agreed with him and didn't say more. It hit me at that point that there was the possiblity that the people who were supposed to be the closest to me, didn't know me in a sense. Did i talk that way to them? Have i ever engaged in conversation such that they knew who i was essentially? The other time , i allowed my friend to read a blog i was going to delete, and after he read it he said it was deep . I asked him what he meant, and he said it was interesting because he never knew i would write whatever i did in the blog. So who am i? I don't know if i'm unsure of myself, or if i'm just interested in knowing who i am to others. Does who i am to others equate to who i am? Because at the end of the day, isn't it right to say that as much as there's this thing going on about not caring about what the world thinks and all that, doesn't the world sorta define who we are? IF you really think about it, everywhere you go, the people you're with, even your closest friends, your boss. Everything you are seems to be formed by what people say you are, or think you are, or evaluate of you after seeing your performace; at work, school. As long as there are interpersonal relationships, there will always be a definition of who you are by each different person.
That confuses me alot. Because my parents know i'm this way, my close friends know i'm that way, my other friends say i'm another way, and then there are multiple other people who are of the inner or outer circle and they have their own definition of Jayne. So, who am i?
I know. I'm supposed to say ( rather what some people would say and encourage you all to say) I am what i am. Be true to myself. It doesn't matter what the world thinks of me, i know who i really am. But do i? I know some things about myself. My friend once told me that it's important to love myself. So what do i base that love on? On who i am? Or who i myself define myself to be? Then.. ahhh then we have a problem cause i'm pretty hard on myself .
So well, if anyone out there has a definition of who i am, or at least who you think i am since you've known me, send me a note. I'll compile it and then i'll look at it and then i'll find out.
Hopefully.
That confuses me alot. Because my parents know i'm this way, my close friends know i'm that way, my other friends say i'm another way, and then there are multiple other people who are of the inner or outer circle and they have their own definition of Jayne. So, who am i?
I know. I'm supposed to say ( rather what some people would say and encourage you all to say) I am what i am. Be true to myself. It doesn't matter what the world thinks of me, i know who i really am. But do i? I know some things about myself. My friend once told me that it's important to love myself. So what do i base that love on? On who i am? Or who i myself define myself to be? Then.. ahhh then we have a problem cause i'm pretty hard on myself .
So well, if anyone out there has a definition of who i am, or at least who you think i am since you've known me, send me a note. I'll compile it and then i'll look at it and then i'll find out.
Hopefully.
Saturday, March 05, 2005
ARrr Matey.
It's twelve-thirty-five, and it's yar matey, Black Jenny Cash. AKA Catherine Hagerty the Yellow , Keeper Jennifer the Drunk Heart, Crew-Killer Carson, but arrrrr mateys, Black Jenny Cash it shall be.
I've gotten me blog entries translated t' Swashbuckler talk and yo-ho-ho !! Be ye prepared to dance the hempen jig, matey!
'It's three twenty-three in the afternoon . (Bilge!) Each time i struggle t' open those heavy lids, i hope that perhaps time would have passed a little faster I've opened 'em ten times now since three o'clock. (The chase is making full sail, matey!) 'Rory turns , 'n hornswaggles on her aft. (Man the guns, ye cowardly swabs!) The white ceilin''s still thar. (Bloody privateers!) She rests her deadlights on that spot. (Prepare to dance the hempen jig, matey!) She listens.The drone o' the fan.It's hot, her head's heavy; from sleepin' too much perhaps, 'n today adds t' the many others she's had, o' nothin' happenin'. (Man the guns, ye cowardly swabs!) The clock says three twenty four.The time be now five in the afternoon. (Weigh anchor!) The sky looks darker than it should because it's goin' t' rain. (The chase is making full sail, matey!) 'n it rains at five fifteen. (Sink me!) Rory stands at the gate o' her apartment, the storm above 'n 'round her.'Aye . (Aaaarrrhhh!!!) A storm . (Bilge!) At least sometin' be happenin'. (Bloody privateers!) 'It be hardly one, but nothin' a bit o' imagination wouldn't do. (Gangway!) She turns twenty seven in six months Twenty seven 'n this be her life. (Sail ho!) Playin' make-believe. (Yo-ho-ho!) Somethin' jumps inside her. (Aaarrhhh, me parrot!) Like a jolt tellin' her t' do somethin'.Anythin'. (Gangway!) Jump. (Be ye ready to walk the plank?) Scream. (Aaaarrrhhh!!!) Dance.Anythin' that would work like shock-therapy, without the damage.Somethin' that would wake her up from whatever she calls...this.
I can't believe i succumbed
I've finally done the eventual the unavoidable. (Be ye ready to walk the plank?) aye, i've set up a blog. (Yaaarrrr!) don't get me wrong, i've 2 other ongoin' blogs. (Gangway!) 'Online diaryin'' huh? (Prepare to dance the hempen jig, matey!) Like i'll let the world see me thoughts The world which includes some o' the people i write 'bout Sure maybe they wouldn't mind hearin' what i have t' say 'bout 'em. (Bilge!) It all can't be THAT bad starboard? (Aaaarrrhhh!!!) The truth hurts, more oft than not. (Prepare to dance the hempen jig, matey!) Ah well... (Sink me!) here goes.
I've gotten me blog entries translated t' Swashbuckler talk and yo-ho-ho !! Be ye prepared to dance the hempen jig, matey!
'It's three twenty-three in the afternoon . (Bilge!) Each time i struggle t' open those heavy lids, i hope that perhaps time would have passed a little faster I've opened 'em ten times now since three o'clock. (The chase is making full sail, matey!) 'Rory turns , 'n hornswaggles on her aft. (Man the guns, ye cowardly swabs!) The white ceilin''s still thar. (Bloody privateers!) She rests her deadlights on that spot. (Prepare to dance the hempen jig, matey!) She listens.The drone o' the fan.It's hot, her head's heavy; from sleepin' too much perhaps, 'n today adds t' the many others she's had, o' nothin' happenin'. (Man the guns, ye cowardly swabs!) The clock says three twenty four.The time be now five in the afternoon. (Weigh anchor!) The sky looks darker than it should because it's goin' t' rain. (The chase is making full sail, matey!) 'n it rains at five fifteen. (Sink me!) Rory stands at the gate o' her apartment, the storm above 'n 'round her.'Aye . (Aaaarrrhhh!!!) A storm . (Bilge!) At least sometin' be happenin'. (Bloody privateers!) 'It be hardly one, but nothin' a bit o' imagination wouldn't do. (Gangway!) She turns twenty seven in six months Twenty seven 'n this be her life. (Sail ho!) Playin' make-believe. (Yo-ho-ho!) Somethin' jumps inside her. (Aaarrhhh, me parrot!) Like a jolt tellin' her t' do somethin'.Anythin'. (Gangway!) Jump. (Be ye ready to walk the plank?) Scream. (Aaaarrrhhh!!!) Dance.Anythin' that would work like shock-therapy, without the damage.Somethin' that would wake her up from whatever she calls...this.
I can't believe i succumbed
I've finally done the eventual the unavoidable. (Be ye ready to walk the plank?) aye, i've set up a blog. (Yaaarrrr!) don't get me wrong, i've 2 other ongoin' blogs. (Gangway!) 'Online diaryin'' huh? (Prepare to dance the hempen jig, matey!) Like i'll let the world see me thoughts The world which includes some o' the people i write 'bout Sure maybe they wouldn't mind hearin' what i have t' say 'bout 'em. (Bilge!) It all can't be THAT bad starboard? (Aaaarrrhhh!!!) The truth hurts, more oft than not. (Prepare to dance the hempen jig, matey!) Ah well... (Sink me!) here goes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)