Cruisin'

I wish i could take a nice long break from work. To just sleep and not worry about time, to relax and not worry about rushing to the next activity. Sometimes i think we're always rushing so much; rushing through even meals. I think i eat a lot and i eat really fast. I need to slow down.

I hope this week will be a good week at work for me, for anthea and charmaine, for ed, and for everyone out there who wants the same thing for themselves.

I am not happy.

I hate these two weeks. It's cause me to think a lot about my current self, where i am in my life right now. Recently i've felt that i have been treated unfairly at work, perhaps even taken advantage of. I do not like my employer, and i think that's the worst thing isn't it? To work for someone you don't trust, for someone who does not have your welfare at heart. I feel very disappointed with her, and especially so because she's a Christian. I know that Christians are not perfect people, but i like to think that they of all people can at least be understanding. I do not like my life now because looking back on the events that led to where i am now, i feel angry that 'trusting God' seems to be a bad choice. I don't like my country. It is a place where the poor remain poor, the rich unaffected, and the middle-class struggle. It is the land where money talks, where nothing is truly free, and hard-work does not really matter at all. It does not care about loyalty, but progress. It is the land that has forgotten the ones who built it with their backs, and embraces anyone who can bring profit. It looks to the outside without resolving within, why we are unhappy in the first place. Paper is king here, not street smarts, or things you cannot learn in the classroom. Cost is rising, but not our salaries, and housing is so expensive. It burdens me that i can't save enough to own a home without paying it off the rest of my life. I can't save enough to own anything.

I'm unhappy with God, with my job, with my country. I wish i felt otherwise.

I think i made my mum sad.

These 2 weeks has been strange. The first part of the week, i got it from my boss because of a mistake i made, although i really felt that no one told me the protocol with regards to the issue . Anyway, it's long gone, and i don't really care about it.
My aunts came down to visit, and to sum things up, i don't know what to think about religion, or Christianity anymore.

I used to think that having a Christian employer is good, but now i'm beginning to see the cracks in everything. Recently we prayed in the office because there was worry that there is a spiritual attack against our company, but the more i think about it, i hardly think that's the case. I think it's just people being irresponsible, and not careful.

Recently i got hives, and my boss thinks it's a spiritual attack. Maybe it's my lack of faith, but i felt that seeing a doctor would have been a more practical solution than a prayer for instant healing. And my mum recently has been reading the bible more because of a recent panick attack she had. Plus my aunts came down and spoke to her more about God. Today she was telling me about God too, and i guess she was just sharing, but i just snapped at her, asking her why she was talking about God out of the blue.
She felt discouraged, and told me so. She asked me why i couldn't be encouraging instead since she is drawing closer to God.

I think i just am tired of hearing all these things about God that everyone's perceiving. Like how my boss perceives that it is an attack from the devil at work when things don't go well, and how my aunts perceives our lack of joy as a lack of 'the holy spirit upon us'. All these...ideas that people come up with, i just don't want to hear any of it. And personally, i hate how everyone makes you feel guilty for not doing something. That's what i don't like about my church. I don't like the people, and as much as some of them are closer to me than others, i sometimes feel like cutting off all ties with them. I feel like telling them, 'Get off your high horse. Just because you're not totally right with God doesn't make you on the same level as me, that you can tell me what to do '.

Weird World Batam

Here are some pictures from Batam. I still have some more in my camera, but i'm not sure where it is.

Anyway, i think Batam is a strange place. It's only 45 mins away, yet it's an hour behind Singapore time. It feels as if you're in Malaysia, but, it's Indonesia. I happened to meet an ex-colleague there at Nagoya Hill shopping centre and the first thing that came to my mind was ' What are the odds of meeting you here!? ' , but because it's only 45 mins away from Singapore, it's the same as, if i met her on the West side of Singapore.







I think the horses look creepy.

Batam Returns

I have some pictures which i will upload at another time. I don't feel like doing much right now...

I hate the flow of events in life sometimes, and how things work out in some coincidence that works against me. I don't enjoy knowing it's all ' in the hands of God' when i don't like whatever that's going to happen.

I had hoped that going to Batam for a night would help, some sort of getaway from things that are bothering me about work, and it's true that i didn't think much about it, but now that i'm back home, i feel the dread all over again of what's to come.

What i don't like most of all is Christians using the 'will of God' theory on other trusting Christians , just to get things worked out/ done. It may be be partially true, but no one knows the will of God, and it's just exploitive to do that to others.

I really really wish i get a big break soon, something really fantastic that comes into my life. OR at least, i really really wish, i was simply happy with whatever circumstance. It's hard to explain fully how i feel and the worries i have. I just can't wait for something good to happen to us, my family the people i love. At least, i hope God understands.