Old Girls

OK, so Old Girls doesn't sound like a nice way to say it, but what i really meant was it was always the 4 of us, Grace (extreme left ) Jo (centre) and Caroline ( right) .




This pic was taken 4 years back i think.

Calamine Me

I found some letters in a folder and read them. They were written in 2001. 2001 doesn't seem too far behind. Two-thousand anything, seems to be not too long ago. They were written by a friend in church and the contents of the letter seem amiable and friendly. I try to recall our relationship then :

Were we close? Did we talk about plenty of stuff?
She thanked me for being a comfort to her,
but i can't remember what it was about.
There were things she wanted to share with me at a later time,
she never did.


How fleeting memories are,
At one time we were so close, i can't remember fully how great a friendship it was.
It really died down in the end. Now we hardly talk anymore.

And the stuff that she wrote in the letter, one point was about decisions i've made about relationships. I don't remember making them, but i must have at that point. That point was a horrible one ; we don't forget moments like that. Reading the letter now, 5 years later, how i want to say in response to her reply and comments : It's not the same anymore . I wish i can say it's all going to be ok but i don't know that it will be. And sometimes being happy now seems to be all that matters. We'll always have sadness with us anyway.

It just flies away .

I've been scanning negatives for the past 5 days, especially my black and white ones. It's amazing how much footages i don't have with me on print (because i can't find a darkroom to use) . I was looking at some of the rolls and there was one i took 3-4 years back, when my friend's daughter was still a newborn. How time has just flown away! Now i'm 4 years older and i wonder if i was the same person back then. Whether i felt the same way, thought the same things, whether my standard has changed. I'm sure it all has, but i wonder if the core of a person ever changes. I hope it never does ( and i don't think it has) change because that's essentially what a person is made of right?

Oh how i love black and white ! I shall never grow tired of it!

What love is.

I read this in The New Paper today and i just got to have it written down .

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A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year olds: " What does love mean? "

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined:

When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands have arthritis too. That's love.
- Rebecca, 8

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other. - Karl, 5

Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs. - Chrissy, 6

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.- Terri, 4

And my favourite one :

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth. - Billy, 4

So cuteEeeeeeeeeeee!

Choices :Escapism

I don't think people really understand other people in general. Or rather, they just understand the parts that they can, and when they can't , it seems to be wrong or unacceptable.

Recently it seems as if there's a shift in a certain aspect of my life. There are choices i've had to make, and a lot of the choices i've made seems to make people question my intentions, or rather, who i am, and what matters to me.

Things are not easy. Choices are not easy. And i wish everyone else would get that. But you usually never ever understand unless you're in a similar position. So unless you've lived my life, gone through what i've gone through, felt whatever i've felt, then you can't really pick on the choices i've made or what i've become.

When i was in Thailand last year, a good friend had asked me about relationships and why they never worked out. And i told her that it seemed that one party or the other was never really ready for a relationship, or they didn't know what they want. Perhaps time would change things, maybe 3 years from now , they'll both be ready. And then my friend said something that really surprised me . She said , " That's not true, because in three years, both of you will be different people. It'll never be the same again "

I believe that is very true. I look back 3 years ago, maybe even 6 years back and i've just changed a whole lot as a person. 6 years ago, i didn't really know who i was. 6 years ago i was so confident , nothing would stop me. And then in 1 mth , everything changed . I think when you've lost much , and failed much, there is no fear in failing or losing anymore.

Just so you all know, I'm not the same Jayne that i was 6 years back. I'm not the same Jayne i was 3 years back. I've moved on in life at a different pace, i've seen different things, met different people, and there is no regretting, or turning back. If i walk away from something, i don't look back. Is it pride that enables me to do that? I think it's maybe fear of sinking back into something that just shouldn't have had happened in the first place.

I used to wish i could just fly away. Nothing's holding me back anyway. There's nothing or no one to keep me behind. But that would just be irresponsible wouldn't it? It would be running away from what's the reality of it all : no one needs you and no one even cares.

Fact : The basic human need, is to be needed.
Fiction : That no one needs you (because it's really all in your mind)

Don't think so much Jayne. ( Now that is one thing that's still a Jayne trait since 6 years back )

Gadget Girl

I'm so happy!

My dad got an external DVD burner. More gadgets to play with! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

I'm glad i take after my dad when it comes to fixing things and checking new gadgets out.