9 mins left till tmr.

Tmr , i'm finally starting work. My stomach is in knots because it's been a while since i did 'full time' stuff, 10-6 sort of shift. Its very hard for me, cause knowing myself, i don't like to be tied down in a sense. I think i would be happy as a delivery person, running around doing that sort of job. I'm going to sign away my freedom tmr!

Relax Jayne.. take a deep breath.. and hold.

Any Christians out there, could you please say a prayer for me?

The time has come.

Had dinner with my parents, and my dad got his paycheck today.



Cue siren sound in Kill Bill.

A part of inside was going ' MY POOR DADDY!' But the majority was going.. KILL .. KILL..Once things get stable, my parents can quit their jobs!

Taking one step forward

15 mins ago , i was scared, worried.

Now, i'm just excited.

Dushyant, my guru says Don't worry and take one step forward.
Caroline says Only with this move can you do the bigger things in life.
I say I'm just going to do my best, and not think so much!
Ed says Yay! I'm happy for you!

I think of my parents and it makes me smile.

So yeah, now i'm just excited.

Sigh.

Had plenty on my mind. Sitting in a near empty train, i hoped that it would never stop.

Honesty and reality

I'm finally back from Vietnam. Was washing my face a while ago and it brought back how, i was doing it in my hotel a few days ago.

Travelling is a good thing. I really believe that it changes a little of what's inside you when you do that. I've been talking to my friends on the trip, and even back home, and it seems the conversations keep circling around honesty, and reality.

I wished i could stay in Vietnam for longer, but the reality is, i have to head home, and maybe start work soon. ( if i get the job! I hope they call me back!) Sometimes, i realise that not everyone can handle honesty. You can be yourself, and speak your mind, but people are just going to be offended. Maybe tact plays a part too, but i rather be honest, than slap on a fake attitude and smile on my face.

Recently, i've allowed my fear to make plenty of descisions for the choices i make in my life. Only when need becomes greater than fear, do we become what we are meant to be. Also, i think i'm facing reality more each day. Like, sometimes we want certain things in life, but really, it doesn't happen. We need to hold on to what we do have, look back on whats real, and what's lasted and think of the future and love ourselves enough that we don't sell ourself short. Don't walk in our mistakes again, because we're not being fair to ourselves. I think it's very hard sometimes, to love ourselves that much to do whats right for us, but truly loving ourselves, the right way, doesn't mean adhering to what we want now, its really for whats going to be better for us in the long run. Like how, i need to think about work, instead of wanting to do things i want to do, and giving myself excuses.

Will upload some pics of Vietnam soon!!

A happy surprise :)

Today!! Today was a dream! After last night, i thought i was going to have to wait till after the trip!

Ed came to surprise me after church! He had it all planned with Caroline!! Sneaky spy.... heee... But i'm happy! I mean, it was unexpected! And i loved that he did just that!


Anyway, am wondering about a job, and whether i should take it up, cause of scheduling issues. Will need to think ( pray ) about it maybe?

HAppy HAPPY Heeeee HAPPY heee hee HAPPY ME!

Misfit

Spoke to Caroline again, and she pointed out what was wrong with the whole senario. All i can think of is that, i could most possibly be the problem. I think it really sucks when you find out more and more about what's wrong with yourself. I think , the ones i love matter much more to me, i keep putting myself on a guilt trip whenever things don't go well. And thus :

It is hard to be who i am, when i hate myself so much.


On a lighter note,

la la lala la. Guess who's going to Vietnammmmmmmmm.

Giraffe Game!

Ok, i stumbled upon a site and there's a game. What i love about it, is the song playing in the background. Anyone know's where it's from?

Jumping giraffes , and the music! French!

Dushyant Flies

One of my closest friends in the course left for India a week back.



But he's coming back in Feb 2007, so that's not the last we'll see of him.

The Chickens Concert

Actually, it's a full dress rehearsal. I can't make it for the actual day cause i have a job. But i'm glad i made it for the full dress.



We were all checking out the other kid's costumes. And like every kind of work situation, there is always competition. Other schools participated, and some of us had tried asking them for their costume contacts so we didn't have to waste time making those costumes, but they didn't let us know. Sigh. It's not like the prize money is a million dollars.


$23.50 costume



$30.00 costume

I would go for the $30.00 one personally, cause the kid can always wear it for holloween next year. Thank God the kids we dressed up were 3 year olds, so they were going to look cute in anything!

Here's the video for the fun of it! HAHHAHAHA!

I feel like a worm... but canno..t... give.. up

I don't know it it's stress, or my rebonding, but i'm shedding hair like how animals do at certain times of the year.

I shall not go insane before i hit 30 because of a momentarily problem in my life. No one is around when i need to speak to someone, and it's just something i have to deal with because everyone has to deal with their own problems. But i hate that no one is around.

Spoke to Charles and he's given me some advice . Well, actually he's graciously allowed me to sort out my thoughts to him by just speaking at a 100 miles ( typing really) a min. He mentioned quarter life crisis. Me? Quarter life crisis?? Actually i did read about that in a book before and people do go through that. IT's the stage of out of school and dont know what to do with life stage and everyone ard you seems to have it ok. Well, anyway, the most important thing is to not give up. Like.. not be taken in by sadness or hopelessness. It's very hard, but i must not think about it. It will be ok. I have a plan, and though it's not working out too well, there is always a solution.

And another friend of mine says i'm depressed! Me? Depressed?!
I can do it i can do it i can do it.
I'm going to have a migraine now, but i can do it!

:(

I believe loniness is a bane, and it's something that will stick with you for the rest of your life, and resurfaces at the worst of times.

And the worst part is having a problem but not being able to tell anyone about it because no one will respect you , or want to deal with it either.

Chinese Racist Jokes

I went online to get some Chinese racist jokes, and was excited about finding some. But when i read them, i didn't find it funny at all. I wasn't offended either.

I guess when the joke's on you, you can't find it funny unless you're some other race besides your own.

Excepts from 50 ways to know you're Chinese:

You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table.
Your stove is covered with aluminum foil.
Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.
You beat eggs with chopsticks.
You always leave outdoor shoes at the door.


You only make long distance calls after midnight or during weekends.
You prefer your shrimp with the heads and tails still attached.
You never call your parents just to say hello.
You drive a Japanese car.
You use a colored face cloth every morning.
You starve yourself before going to all-you-can-eat places.
You've joined a CD club at least once.


Erm... not funny lay. All i can say is, " Huh ? "

Yao Kwee Of Simei Attacks!

Today i decided to move my fat legs again . And so i ran more than i did the last time. Day-dreaming as you run keeps you distracted from the pain in the belly, and the shortness of breath. Thought of Ed, how long it's been since i took running seriously, Ed again, and Caroline. Thought of Joe and jogging, and wondered if i would be able to keep up with any of them. Saw some weird people along the way, a dead butterfly on the ground and managed to 'siam' it before i smash it under my weight . And there were plenty of dragonflies flying about. I remember Mel saying that their lifespan is a day. I don't think it's true.. i mean, what about the stages when it's a small dragonfly and then become bigger? Think i'll find out about that.

But with all of them flying around , i wondered if it was cause they were enjoying whatever time they have left.

Hardly even half an hour and i made my way back home. Then.. i became Yao Kwee. 7th Month is over right? Ate dinner and then ate chocolate, and then ate some jelly pudding thing my mum bought the day before , but didn't eat. I remember eating once and then Ed told me to slow down, said he wasn't going to eat my food, so i didn't have to worry. I wonder why i eat so fast. Maybe i'm always in a rush to do something else, so taking too long in eating is just a waste of time. You know, the French spends a whole evening when it comes to dinner. Because they don't just eat. They talk too, and it's more about the company than it is the food.

I need to slow down.

The Wide- Eyed Wish for some sort of Love.

Wide-Eyed Wish : A Dream
Some sort of Love : The kind that Uncle Steven has for Auntie Jenny.

Was eating dinner with some of them tonight, and the topic was on driving. Everyone seemed excited that i was learning to drive and taking my test. Then Uncle Steven was telling us that Auntie Jenny ( his wife) took her first test at 17 yrs. She failed, and she never tried again. Then he went on to tell us how he let her drive his old car at some deserted place when they were still dating, and how at some parts she got scared, and he would grab hold of the steering wheel, but she would still push his hands away after, and say 'It's ok! OK! i can handle'. And he spoke about that experience with love , and laughed as he thought about her mannerisms. And then he said ' I was so worried about her safety. My heart was beating so fast '

He loves her for everything that she is. The way she spoke, her mannerisms, train of thought he found funny, and endearing. And they're married for i think... Nearly 20 years. They still pak tor once in a while, even after the long 2 hour route in the van sending kids home from church. I have never seen a more enduring example of love than that.

Then on the way back, some of them were talking about another ex-couple and how things did not work out after a long period as well. It really made me wonder about the concept of love. Is love,the same as commitment? Or do you love, and therefore you commit? Sometimes i think that generation of people who take love seriously is vanishing. These days it's just people who want everything to be perfect, and when something isn't, they don't bother to work it out. I do not believe there is nothing that cannot be worked out or settled. There is a solution to every problem. There is HOPE!

I bet it is every girl's dream to have that sort of love.

Full Force Ahead.

I know that not everyone wants to hear about my life, but i don't really care, cause if they didn't they wouldn't be reading my blog anyway right?

Recently i felt sick in the stomach over something, and it's got to do with fear. Fear of life itself. Ed asked what was wrong, but it was hard explaining it in sms. I had gone out with some friends, and we were doing things we had done last time, and it suddenly gave me a very weird feeling. I guess much of my life has changed since the last time we did all that, so the nostalgic feeling was frightening to me. I was fearful of life being that way again. I looked at my life now, and i like how it is going. It is not a perfect life, but i'm heading towards that . Not to have a perfect life, but always an improvement of the past. But like Caroline has said, it's just a small matter that i should not let affect me too much.

I believe everyone feels afraid of routine, of things being mundane. But things will always progress, keep moving along. We must not let the fear of that conquer us. We have to keep at our feet and not give up. Things will always get better.

I admit that i am scared of life, sometimes i wonder if i can handle it. But everyone else in the world can handle it, and i'm sure they at some point have their own fears and uncertainties too. Carol and me were discussing about a certain friend's new relationship and how things were different now. The new gf had more skills and abilities than the last one. Some people would rather be with other people who were in the 'later' stages of their life, already accomplishing certain things. I'm sure it definately helps with the uncertainty of life itself. ( There is no worry of ,' oh i wonder how this person will do at their first job.' or 'i wonder if they will be able to drive in future' ) But that's the real issue. Will you be with me as i get through these stages, or will you leave and come back when i'm done? I hope that you will be there with me throughout. You, yes you, reading these words right now. Please be with me as i go full force ahead.

Chicken Girl

Ok. So she doesn't look too happy in the outfit. hahahaha....


Side View


Happy girl again.

Scrap that Idea

Oh hoho, i msged Fatimah and so the plan now is for me to go over to her place. I'll bring along the costumes, and then maybe we'll decide again if we need to add more stuff, if not, we're DONE! YAY!

And YAYYY , next week i have jobs coming in..yippeeeeeee

Home on a Friday Night.

If you know me well enough, you would have known by now, that the time of the day i hate most is 6pm to 7pm. The time when the sky changes. The inbetween stages of day to night. I hate that time, only when i am home. I hate it more when i am home alone. That's why i'm always out so i never get home during that time.

I sorta just finished 95% of the chicken outfits an hour ago. It's all packed and ready to go. Think i should add something to the sleeves, but i'm tired of sewing another sequin or feather.

It's Friday night, and everyone has their plans except for me. Well, at least today isn't totally wasted. Got the costumes finished. Maybe i'll go running or something. Yeah, i think i'll go do that.

Will upload pics of costumes another day. ( Like anyone's interested..)

Chicken Suits.

I am determined.
I am determined to make good chicken costumes for 3 year olds.

Here are the caps!



Ok, i know it might not look as nice, but, adding a dash of sequins , would help add a bit of spark, when the stage lights hit. YAY!

Mystery Date

Neo Print Time again!

Went out with Fatimah on Monday for her birthday treat. We went to Grand Hyatt for buffet lunch! It's been yearsssss since i got her anything, and so that's an accumulated birthday gift.





It's basically high class hawker/local food.They even serve 'Or Lua ' (Oyster Egg) there! Then we went and got other stuff, and got a Neo Print taken.





My Fav Pic is the first one cause the girl had her hands up. Perfect!